Preparing for the Teenage Years by Melissa Hood. Families Magazine Jan 2008
Helping your nursery-aged child to be independent
by Camilla McGill, Families Jan 2008
Dealing with Morning Mayhem by Camilla McGill, SE Parenting
Meet the Parents by Lucy Etherington - Rise Magazine, July 2007
Teatime tantrums and bolshie bedtimes - dealing with family hotspots by Caroline Haigh (Families Magazine, November 2006)
(London Review, June 2005)
How Can I get my 13-year-old son to do his homework rather than play computer Games?(Sunday Express, 13 March 2005. Response to readers question)
(SW Magazine Jan 2005)
Happy Families ('Sting', Honeywell School Magazine, July 2004)
(reproduced with kind permission of Sting Magazine)
homework because: they’d rather be doing something else that’s more fun, the work is difficult for them or unchallenging, they are not interested in the subject or can’t see the point of it, they are tired or hungry or they are distracted. Listen to your children’s feelings and empathise.
A child who feels understood is less
resistant.
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Lack of structure – routines go out the window, rules get relaxed/abandoned, especially if you’re staying with another family.
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Changes in diet, sleeping and exercise patterns. At Christmas and Easter particularly children can overdose on sugar and they may not get as much exercise as when they’re at school.
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They may get over stimulated or may say they’re bored.
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We may have expectations of holidays which are not met. We may be looking forward to cosy, friendly, family times together and instead the children might be bickering and whining and not appreciating the trouble we’ve taken to organise fun things etc. As a result we feel disappointed and frustrated and blame ourselves for our children’s selfishness etc…
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On top of all that you may have to focus on the needs of others more than usual especially if you’re staying with someone else or have friends or relatives staying with you. Interacting with relatives you don’t see all that often can bring its own stresses (!).
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The absence of the school routine means you have an opportunity to not be a slave to the clock and take the time to really train your children into good habits. This is a fantastic opportunity to train your children to be more cooperative and self-reliant.
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Some children experience school as a competitive and pressured environment and a break from that is less stressful. Time to go to work on building up their self-esteem.
- Do less in order to minimise stress and to allow you to focus on enjoying being with your children and getting them into good habits. Beware of over stimulating the children. Plan for some time for yourself so that you can replenish the resource that you are for your family.
- PLAN more. Spend time anticipating what could go wrong and take preventive action. Have solution time with your partner and family meetings to discuss planned events.
- Think through rules and routines for the holidays and discuss them with your partner. There should be rules even if these are different from those you have at home/in term time. You may need to discuss house rules with the parents of other families under the same roof. Even if this means compromising on what you really want to happen you are more likely to be able to make the compromise rule work.
- Think of possible non-material rewards (tick or star charts, time with a parent, stories, and choices) for when the children keep the rules and consequences you are able to follow through on when the rules are broken. Don’t forget to praise specifically when the children have followed a rule. Require them to do the things they need to do to the standard you require. This may mean just waiting and praising every tiny step in the right direction until they’ve done what you asked (nothing else happening in the meantime) or it may mean requiring an action replay. Some behaviours require stronger consequences and that means forward thinking so you do not get caught out threatening a consequence that you don’t carry out. You may also need to plan ahead for some consequences like travelling in two cars in case you need to take a misbehaving child home.
- Set up routines so that the children are earning holiday outings, screen time, pocket money or special foods by completing the tasks they need to do. Eg tidying up before TV. Beds made, pyjamas folded and get dressed before breakfast or before a game with you.
- TALK THROUGH situations or activities before they arise. Get your children to say what will need to happen/ how they need to behave, in detail. Eg look Granny in the eye when you say Hello. (If this is difficult then practice it in a role play) Maybe ask them how they might feel, eg when having to try food they don’t like. What can they do in that situation? Praise every sensible/brave response.
- SET THE MOOD by descriptively praising your children (and the other adults) early and often.
- PROVIDE TIME ALONE with each child every day.
- Have STRUCTURED TIME AND UNSTRUCTURED TIME every day. Do not become the children’s entertainment director – it is not your job to think of things for them to do. They need to become self-reliant in managing their own time and just being by themselves. In a family meeting you might ask them to come up with a list of possible things to do on their own which they can consult when they’re ‘bored’. Some children may have holiday school assignments – do not leave them till the last minute and don’t agree with your child that he shouldn’t have to do it or that it’s boring. Show an interest in what they’re learning. Some activities in the holidays should be learning ones.
- When things go wrong and children behave inappropriately DO NOT BLAME, CRITICISE, SHOUT OR NAG but think about the reason for the misbehaviour. Was there an emotion driving it or was the child looking for attention? Reflectively listen to the feelings and when things have calmed down you might have the child think of an appropriate way of making amends. If your child is looking for attention make sure you’re giving lots of it for the positive things he’s doing.
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Praise each of your children specifically. Instead of “well done” or “good boy” say “You hung up your coat, without being asked, that’s very responsible.” Notice and pay attention to the tiny little good things.
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Don’t criticise, scold or point out to your children what they’re doing wrong –it will not motivate them to improve.
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When you’re asking your children to do something get them to repeat back what it is you’ve just asked.
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Encourage your children to talk to you by really listening, that is without doing anything else at the same time.
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Children’s poor behaviour is almost always caused by an emotion, hunger, tiredness or the need for attention.
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When things go wrong don’t make a drama of it but require your child to make amends and think through how to prevent that behaviour arising again.
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Apologise for your own mistakes and let your child see how you clean them up.
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Think through effective, proportionate and relevant consequences ahead of time so you don’t end up making threats that you’re not prepared to follow through.
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Use non-material rewards like extra stories, bubble bath, playing a game or video night with popcorn and make sure your child knows specifically how they earned the reward. “You were so quick getting out of the bath that we have time for two stories now”
- Give yourself permission to be in charge – children need an adult to be the boss.
- Decide what things are really important to you, make clear rules and have them written down.
- Ask yourself “what solution can I find to this problem?”
- Praise your children descriptively for the small things they do, this is very motivating.
- Exercise your sense of humour – many potentially stressful situations can be defused with humour
- What made you good at your job? Were you organised, diplomatic, calm, a lateral thinker? Can you apply these skills to family life?
- Praise yourself – acknowledge all the great things you do for your children
- It is absolutely vital to look after yourself. Spend time without your children (no matter how little), eat well and exercise.
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Familiarise your child with the physical environment of the school. Visit it often, even if only to look at the outside. If it's too far to visit often take a picture and hang it somewhere accessible. Refer to your school often but acknowledge that it might not feel like your school quite yet. Hopefully the children will have been to an induction day. Make sure they know where their classroom is, where the loos are, the playground, and the lunch area.
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If you have an older child in the school don't assume that your younger one will know where everything is that's relevant to him. Make sure your little one understands when he will see his older sibling at school. They may be in separate playgrounds and he might have missed the point about different classes. Spell everything out.
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Talk through any concerns you think your child may have. Typical anxieties are: will I make friends, will the teacher like me, will I like the teacher, will I be able to do what's asked of me, will I be able to find my way around. Many children are concerned by school loos which are very different from those at home and they may find the lunch arrangements daunting. Talk them through what's required and practice in role play using the loos and queuing for lunch if that's what they do. There's a good book which goes through the school day - Starting School by the Ahllbergs. Play schools at home for a few days.
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Don't be afraid to talk about your child's anxieties - it won't cause them to feel anxious but will help alleviate their worries if you know what's going on for them and are not afraid to talk about it. This normalises things for the children. Once they've started school listen to any concerns they have and empathise - do not minimise their concerns and do not say 'You'll be fine, don't worry'. Instead you can say 'right now you're worried about making friends. Maybe we can talk about some ways to start conversations or to start a game.'
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Get used to the uniform if there is one. Put it on and make sure your child can get in and out of it quickly by herself. Practice this. Children are often embarrassed if they can't get changed quickly enough and get chivvied by the teacher and sometimes teased by the other children.If you can meet up with some other children in your child's class during the holidays
so that there are some familiar faces when they start.
by Caroline Haigh
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Establish rules and stick to them
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Involve the kids in setting rules
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Morning Mayhem? Do as much as possible the night before.
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Ask the children what needs to be done in advance
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Brainstorm with the kids for strategies for dealing with difficult situations
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Make written or fun pictorial routines for those difficult times
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Ensure good things follow chores – stories after clearing up toys for example.
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Give time warnings before something is going to happen.
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Praise the kids as they are doing something – show their behaviour matters to you.
A (Families SW) Readers Review on The Parent Practice's 10 week Parenting Skills Course
When I cradled my newborn (now 10 years ago) in my arms I never thought about ‘parenting’. I expected it would be quite straightforward, and that I would be a relaxed, carefree, fun-loving, easy going mum. I thought that just the sleepless nights and endless nappies in the early months was the hard bit. I had, after all, done my NCT course - surely the only course I would ever need? I didn’t reckon on the temperament of my son, who by 2 was strong willed, oppositional and defiant, and seemed to want to cross every boundary I was trying desperately to set.
My Health Visitor told me that he needed more praise, so, for the next 2 years I told him he was a ‘good boy’ 100 times a day. Amazingly this seemed to make no difference, and by 4, and one little sister later, the family was out of control. I spent too much of my parenting life shouting, repeating, nagging, crying (me and him!) and bribing for cooperation.
I think life would have continued along those miserable lines, had it not been for The Parent Practice. I attended their 10 week Parenting Course in Putney and realised very quickly that my son was the one in charge at home (and if I’m honest, I would do anything to avoid one of his frequent tantrums), that I didn’t really follow through on my threats, that he probably didn’t believe that he was a ‘good boy’ and that we, as a family had to make some adjustments to regain control and learn some new skills.
Having read more ‘Parenting Self Help’ books than I’d like to admit to, I wasn’t sure what a course could offer, that the books or ‘Super Nanny’ hadn’t already covered.
The first thing we were encouraged to do, as a family, was to write down some rules, and include the children in this process. The second thing, and this bit was a challenge, was to stick to them. Sounds simple. Where The Parent Practice helped here, was in preparing me for what to do when the melt downs started because ‘mummy wasn’t giving in like she used to’. They gave me the strength and support, that you don’t get from a book, and coached me through a very different type of praise which was detailed and descriptive, but more importantly, they made me realise that there were many more smaller, less obvious things to praise for than I had realised. I learnt how to stay calm in the face of provocation, praising tiny little steps in the direction of better behaviour. I had to really work hard to see them, and when I did, this had the most startling effect!
Like a key that can unlock a bolted door
Within days, he was learning that his exhausting tantrums weren’t working for him, and that his parents stayed calm(er!). He drank up the new style of praise like a thirsty plant and seemed happier and more willing to comply.
I learnt how to listen to him, whereas I’d never really made time for that, or perhaps I had always been too exhausted and fed up to even consider how he felt. The older my children get, the more I use this skill. It is like a key that can unlock a bolted door, and the feelings that can tumble out have often left me not only moved, and closer to my children, but that I have been given an amazing gift and I’d hate to think where I’d be without it.
The class attracted a mix of parents with tots and teens, and the facilitator skilfully adapted the class to address the needs of each different scenario and age group. I went because my family was in chaos, but many others were there for very different reasons; to boost their children’s self-esteem, to encourage self-reliance, to deal with sibling squabbling etc. I think we all came away with more enthusiasm for being a parent and definitely better behaved children.
None of us would dare say we had become perfect parents, or had perfect children (or, that it was easy) but we all had more confidence to deal with whatever challenges our children presented to us! They also have 2 brilliant CDs (Positive Discipline and Harmony At Home) which are great for sharing with reluctant partners and/or for listening to when you start to fall back into old habits when the course is over!) See our reviews section.
Now, when I see a parent being challenged by their child, I want to rush up to them and tell them about The Parent Practice, and promise them that it will make such a difference. This method could make me unpopular, or at least a bit ‘born again-ish’ so writing this is my way of sharing what I (and my family) have got from this amazing course. Anyone reading this, who is unsure, can attend a free ‘taster’ class with no obligation to sign up for the full course. At first glance, it may seem expensive, but I see it now as an investment in my relationship with my children, the benefits of which, hopefully, will last for many years to come.
Not only did Elaine’s relationship with her son, now 10, improve vastly and to the benefit of his education; she also ended up jacking in her job as a chartered accountant and training as a ‘facilitator’ (that’s non-aggressive lingo for teacher) for The Parent Practice.

