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Articles in the Media

Click on the title of the story to read the article

Preparing for the Teenage Years by Melissa Hood. Families Magazine Jan 2008

Helping your nursery-aged child to be independent
by Camilla McGill, Families Jan 2008

Dealing with Morning Mayhem by Camilla McGill, SE Parenting

Meet the Parents by Lucy Etherington - Rise Magazine, July 2007 

A readers review (of The Parent Practice's courses) by Gail Macfarlane, Families SW, June 2007

Teatime tantrums and bolshie bedtimes - dealing with family hotspots by Caroline Haigh (Families Magazine, November 2006)
Happy days at Nursery (Families Magazine, January 2006)


How Can I get my 13-year-old son to do his homework rather than play computer Games?(Sunday Express, 13 March 2005. Response to readers question)
Homework Headache? (T&L Magazine, Jan 2005)
 

Bedtime Horrors (by a parent attending Parenting Skills Classes)
 

Happy Families ('Sting', Honeywell School Magazine, July 2004)
 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BEDTIME HORRORS 
 
It used to seem to me that I was the only parent around experiencing the acute horrors of bedtime until I started attending courses with The Parent Practice. In fact it was a huge relief to meet people who were either going through the same thing or had used the skills taught there to transform the bedtime nightmare.
 
The first thing I realised that I was being very inconsistent. Some nights I would let the children come downstairs if they said they couldn’t sleep, other nights I’d let them come into my bed in the night as I was simply too dog-tired to take them back. Other times I’d “clamp down” get very cross and stern and often loose my temper at the end of it.
 
The solution started with me making the decision that the bedtime horrors were bad enough for me to committing to trying some of the Parent Practice suggestions. If I had been unresolved in my own mind or hadn’t had the support of my partner I wouldn’t have seen it through.
 
Here are the steps:
 
1.      Sit down with your partner (if you have one or alone if you don’t) and decide on what you think the rules of the house should be about bedtime. What time do you want to exit the room and (after a little time) not go back in. What are you agreeing to do if children come into your bed at night? What reward systems could you have in place to encourage children to follow the rules?
 
2.      Both parents sit down with the children and first ask them what they think the rules are for bedtime. (It is surprising how much they actually know even if they aren’t following them). Write down what they say. Amend anything that isn’t in line with your rules. The adult gets the final decision on what the rules should be. Make the rules as detailed as possible ie not “go to bed nicely” but “have two stories, do a wee if you need to, kiss mummy or daddy goodnight, check you have everything you need in your bed, get into bed, turn out the light and say “goodnight see you in the morning”. Each amounts to one rule.
 
3.      Decide on some appropriate reward for each stage of the proceedings – ie a tick for each rule followed and a sticker for following them all in one night. You may want to have five stickers add up to a bigger reward – time with a parent is always popular. Smaller children respond better to more immediate rewards so an extra story the following morning providing all rules have been followed would be motivating. TV can also be used as a reward.
 
4.      In the early stages of training it is much better to go back into the bedroom after short periods of time to praise them for following the rules rather than to wait till they have called you back or come out of their rooms. If they do call out wait for the brief period in between shouts and go in and say “you stopped shouting, thank you, now what is the rule about calling mummy back?”
 
5.      Training takes time. They probably won’t get it perfect for the first few nights but remember to praise them for what they have done right. 
 
6.      The only solution for children who come into your bed at night is to consistently take them back to their own bed with lots of praise for being grown up and able to sleep alone. Only follow this through if it is important for you to have the children sleep in their own bed, they will sense if you are half-hearted about it.
 
7.      Remember that when you have time away from your children you are able to recharge your batteries and be a more effective parent when you are with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY FAMILIES 
(reproduced with kind permission of Sting Magazine)
 
Last spring Honeywell Infants school hosted two parenting workshops. They were organised by Jane Neal and run by The Parent Practice. We thought it would be interesting to hear from a family who has attended not only the workshops but also the parenting classes.
 
Mothers view:
To say it was illuminating was an understatement. I didn’t know what to expect when I arrived at the infants hall. There were about 60 or 70- parents already there, no doubt as curious as me. Using a mixture of lecture-style teaching and interactive discussion Camilla McGill and Melissa Hood explained their approach to parenting and how easy it is to unintentionally make life harder for oneself as a parent. They described the sort of relationships within the family that I wanted but felt only existed some of the time.
 
But surely, I hear you say incredulously, you don’t learn how to parent – it’s something you know how to do instinctively. Most of what they raised is not rocket science or revelatory, but common sense and practical. I was so taken by the prospect of turning my relationships with my children around that I virtually signed up for a course of evening classes there and then.
 
Some weeks later my husband and I attended our first class. The classes varied – not all other parents were present at the same sessions and everyone has different issues that they were facing. They were challenging – changing one’s behaviours is never easy – but also immensely supportive and instructive. Whilst before I felt my relationships with my children were becoming increasingly negative and more about discipline (which was becoming less and less effective), both my husband and I now feel we are on a positive, upward spiral. Each week we were given a particular task, specific to each family – which we then were asked to report back on. This had the effect of making us take time to apply what we had discussed before we forgot it. I can’t deny it was hard work!
 
We still have friction points, and no doubt will continue to face new issues. We sometimes slip back into old ways but now have much more open, positive relationships with all our children. We both feel much more confident in our ability to deal with the challenges that face us as parents.
 
Child’s view: At first it was awful. There was too much change. I found it really difficult. Things were worse and I was battling against myself. After a few months things settled down and I found myself much closer to, and having less arguments with, my parents. They still have their moments, but generally we get on fine. Though I feel it is not all due to the parenting classes, as I have grown older and more mature.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GETTING INTO INDEPENDENT SECONDARY SCHOOLS AND GOOD STUDY HABITS
 
Choosing a secondary school for your child is especially difficult since the entry is almost invariably selective and sometimes very oversubscribed.
 
Parents will look at many factors in determining whether a particular school is right for their child including how academic the school is and whether or not their child will be able to manage what’s expected of the pupils. There is little point in cramming for entrance exams if the child is then going to be struggling to keep up once in the school.
 
Assuming the ‘fit’ of the child with the school is right how can parents prepare their kids for entrance exams without adding to the pressure the process inevitably carries?
Parents can be helping their children get into good study habits long before the exams are imminent and they can also help build up their children’s confidence which is just as important to success in exams.
 
Getting children into good study habits
 
What doesn’t work is to lecture, nag or criticise children about doing their homework or revision. This is a trap that is very easy to fall into as parents are usually anxious about their children doing well. To help children do their homework or revision follow these steps:
 
·    Children don’t want to do
homework because:  they’d rather be doing something else that’s more fun, the work is difficult for them or unchallenging, they are not interested in the subject or can’t see the point of it, they are tired or hungry or they are distracted. Listen to your children’s feelings and empathise. 
A child who feels understood is less
resistant.
·    Have a set time and place to do homework. Make sure that snacks, drinks and some energetic activity has taken place beforehand. Agree break times before work commences. Screens (TV, video, playstation, gameboys etc) should wait until after homework as they reduce brain activity. You will need to make sure this is a clear rule with a consequence.
·    Make sure the work place is uncluttered and as distraction-free as possible.
·     ‘Worst first’. While energy levels are higher tackle the more difficult subject.
·    Have your child talk through what he has to do in detail before he even picks up a pen. That way he is more likely to get it right when he starts. If you feel he hasn’t understood something ask him questions to clarify it so that he is using his own brain rather than you supplying the answers. If he seems to be stuck break it down into small steps.  Praise him for his attitude to his work, for not complaining and for taking guesses.
·    Let him work independently but be around to begin with to praise him (make the intervals of unsupervised work longer over time).  Praise for getting on with it, for not making a fuss, for not fiddling with things (if these are things your child sometimes does), for concentrating.
·    When he’s finished a task praise him descriptively and specifically for whatever he has done right or whatever is an improvement. “You’ve written a whole page.” “There are eight sentences here and seven of them have capital letters.”  You need to notice content and structure as well as presentation and ask him questions about his work to show your interest. Praise his answers. “Wow, you really know a lot about how the heart works.”
·     Get him to make some improvements to his work or correct his mistakes.  He will be more willing to make improvements if he has had a lot of praise first. Let him know that everyone can and needs to improve all the time.
·    Much revision involves remembering facts as well as how to apply them. Some rote learning is inevitable. Mind maps, index cards, fun tables or language tapes can all help but you will still need to lavish the praise on if your child is to be motivated.
Some revision can be incorporated into everyday life. When you read to your child at bedtime ask them comprehension and vocabulary questions about the story. Get him to practice mental arithmetic when out shopping or cooking. Talk about the things he’s learning about so he can see you are interested – it will encourage his interest.
 HOLIDAYS
 
What can go wrong with holidays?
  • Lack of structure – routines go out the window, rules get relaxed/abandoned, especially if you’re staying with another family.
  • Changes in diet, sleeping and exercise patterns. At Christmas and Easter particularly children can overdose on sugar and they may not get as much exercise as when they’re at school.
  • They may get over stimulated or may say they’re bored.
  • We may have expectations of holidays which are not met. We may be looking forward to cosy, friendly, family times together and instead the children might be bickering and whining and not appreciating the trouble we’ve taken to organise fun things etc.  As a result we feel disappointed and frustrated and blame ourselves for our children’s selfishness etc…
  • On top of all that you may have to focus on the needs of others more than usual especially if you’re staying with someone else or have friends or relatives staying with you. Interacting with relatives you don’t see all that often can bring its own stresses (!).
On the other hand holidays do have some advantages:
  • The absence of the school routine means you have an opportunity to not be a slave to the clock and take the time to really train your children into good habits. This is a fantastic opportunity to train your children to be more cooperative and self-reliant.
  • Some children experience school as a competitive and pressured environment and a break from that is less stressful. Time to go to work on building up their self-esteem.
The Parent Practice’s Ten Top Tips: 
  1. Do less in order to minimise stress and to allow you to focus on enjoying being with your children and getting them into good habits. Beware of over stimulating the children. Plan for some time for yourself so that you can replenish the resource that you are for your family.
  2. PLAN more. Spend time anticipating what could go wrong and take preventive action. Have solution time with your partner and family meetings to discuss planned events.
  3. Think through rules and routines for the holidays and discuss them with your partner. There should be rules even if these are different from those you have at home/in term time. You may need to discuss house rules with the parents of other families under the same roof. Even if this means compromising on what you really want to happen you are more likely to be able to make the compromise rule work.
  4. Think of possible non-material rewards (tick or star charts, time with a parent, stories, and choices) for when the children keep the rules and consequences you are able to follow through on when the rules are broken. Don’t forget to praise specifically when the children have followed a rule. Require them to do the things they need to do to the standard you require. This may mean just waiting and praising every tiny step in the right direction until they’ve done what you asked (nothing else happening in the meantime) or it may mean requiring an action replay. Some behaviours require stronger consequences and that means forward thinking so you do not get caught out threatening a consequence that you don’t carry out. You may also need to plan ahead for some consequences like travelling in two cars in case you need to take a misbehaving child home.
  5. Set up routines so that the children are earning holiday outings, screen time, pocket money or special foods by completing the tasks they need to do. Eg tidying up before TV. Beds made, pyjamas folded and get dressed before breakfast or before a game with you.
  6. TALK THROUGH situations or activities before they arise. Get your children to say what will need to happen/ how they need to behave, in detail. Eg look Granny in the eye when you say Hello. (If this is difficult then practice it in a role play) Maybe ask them how they might feel, eg when having to try food they don’t like. What can they do in that situation? Praise every sensible/brave response.
  7. SET THE MOOD by descriptively praising your children (and the other adults) early and often.
  8. PROVIDE TIME ALONE with each child every day.
  9. Have STRUCTURED TIME AND UNSTRUCTURED TIME every day. Do not become the children’s entertainment director – it is not your job to think of things for them to do. They need to become self-reliant in managing their own time and just being by themselves. In a family meeting you might ask them to come up with a list of possible things to do on their own which they can consult when they’re ‘bored’. Some children may have holiday school assignments – do not leave them till the last minute and don’t agree with your child that he shouldn’t have to do it or that it’s boring. Show an interest in what they’re learning. Some activities in the holidays should be learning ones.
  10. When things go wrong and children behave inappropriately DO NOT BLAME, CRITICISE, SHOUT OR NAG but think about the reason for the misbehaviour. Was there an emotion driving it or was the child looking for attention? Reflectively listen to the feelings and when things have calmed down you might have the child think of an appropriate way of making amends. If your child is looking for attention make sure you’re giving lots of it for the positive things he’s doing.
Happy Holidays!
 
WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT PARENTING SKILLS CLASSES?

If we want to improve our fitness, we go to the gym and get a personal trainer. If we are suffering with back problems we might take a course in Pilates.  Golf coaches are available for those who want to improve their technique… so why not go to parenting skills classes?  The Parent Practice “calmer, easier, happier parenting” courses are a practical way to improve the atmosphere at home and help children become more cooperative and confident.  They have a number of courses on offer to suit parents, teachers and nannies.
  
Parents’ frustrations often revolve around “morning mayhem”, “homework horrors” or “bedtime battles”.  Emma, who came to parenting skills classes at the centre in Thurleigh Road, said that she had decided that mornings were so gruesome that it was time to do things more positively.  She frequently found herself losing her temper in the morning, shouting, nagging and threatening her two children (4 and 6 years) and felt awful about it once she dropped them at school.  Emma said it was a huge relief during the classes to hear from other parents the stresses they experienced as well.  She was advised to draw up a detailed chart listing all the jobs that the children needed to do in the mornings and each task completed earned a tick or a star. Her class leader encouraged focus on praising the children specifically for what they had achieved rather than criticising them for being slow or forgetful.  The changes Emma put in place made a huge difference in the atmosphere at home.  The children became happier and more motivated, they had more time to eat breakfast calmly and Emma continued to praise them on the way to school, leaving them at the school gate feeling happy and good about themselves.  Her daughter Charlotte said one day “Mummy, you are much nicer these days because you went to school to learn how to shout less!”
 
Claire first came to a workshop run at a local school (Honeywell School) called “Positive Discipline, what to do when your child says ‘No’”.  Claire was sceptical at first that the positive approach discussed during the workshop could work with her son (7 years old) who was demanding, defiant, and prone to temper tantrums.  She decided to try something new the next evening, “Joe, thank you for coming to the table when I called you and sitting down straight away”.  Joe looked at her suspiciously… “I also noticed that you remembered to bring home your reading book, that’s great”.  Instead of encountering whining and demanding Claire noticed Joe’s mood was noticeably improved.  He even asked if she  would play a game with him rather than skulking off to watch TV!
 
The Parent Practice’s top ten tips for improving relationships with your children:
  • Praise each of your children specifically.  Instead of “well done” or “good boy” say “You hung up your coat, without being asked, that’s very responsible.” Notice and pay attention to the tiny little good things.
  • Don’t criticise, scold or point out to your children what they’re doing wrong –it will not motivate them to improve.
  • When you’re asking your children to do something get them to repeat back what it is you’ve just asked.
  • Encourage your children to talk to you by really listening, that is without doing anything else at the same time.
  • Children’s poor behaviour is almost always caused by an emotion, hunger, tiredness or the need for attention.
  • When things go wrong don’t make a drama of it but require your child to make amends and think through how to prevent that behaviour arising again.
  • Apologise for your own mistakes and let your child see how you clean them up.
  • Think through effective, proportionate and relevant consequences ahead of time so you don’t end up making threats that you’re not prepared to follow through.
  • Use non-material rewards like extra stories, bubble bath, playing a game or video night with popcorn and make sure your child knows specifically how they earned the reward. “You were so quick getting out of the bath that we have time for two stories now”

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HOMEWORK HEADACHE? 

Camilla McGill & Melissa Hood who run The Parent Practice give advice on getting children into good study habits
 
Children generally don’t want to do homework for a reason; they’d rather be doing something else that’s more fun or they may find the work is difficult for or unchallenging. Imagine how your child is feeling and put it into words so that they feel heard and are less likely to be resistant.  Follow the steps below o help your children get into good study habits.
 
1. Have a set time and place to do homework. Have snacks and some energetic activity beforehand. Screens (TV, playstation etc) should wait until later as they reduce brain activity. Make sure this is a clear rule with a consequence.
2. Make sure the work place is uncluttered and as distraction-free as possible.
3. ‘Worst first’. While energy levels are higher tackle the more difficult subject.
4. Have your child talk through the tasks in detail before they even pick up a pen.. If you feel your child hasn’t understood something ask questions to clarify, so that they are using their own brains rather than you supplying the answers.
5. Let him work independently but be around to praise – for getting on with it and concentrating. When a task is finished praise your child descriptively and specifically for whatever has been done right or is an improvement.
6. You need to notice content and structure as well as presentation and ask questions about the work to show your interest. Praise your child’s answers. “Wow, you really know a lot about how the heart works.”
7. Get the child to make some improvements to their work and correct their own mistakes.  A child will be more willing to make improvements if they have had a lot of praise first. Let them know that everyone can and needs to improve all the time.
Remember study can be incorporated into everyday life. When you read to your child at bedtime ask them comprehension and vocabulary questions about the story. Practice mental arithmetic when out shopping or cooking together. Talk about the things they’re learning so they can see you are interested – it will encourage their interest.
 
HOW CAN I GET MY 13 YEAR OLD SON TO DO HIS HOMEWORK RATHER THAN PLAY COMPUTER GAMES?  
You’ve probably noticed that what doesn’t work is to criticise, nag and lecture and then threaten and/or bribe. Parents generally point out what’s wrong with their children’s behaviour in the hope that they will change and do the right thing. Unfortunately nobody is motivated by criticism and this thirteen year old needs to be motivated. Parents can help a teenager feel more motivated by noticing and pointing out anything he is doing
which is a step in the right direction and empathising with him for not wanting to do his homework.
Eg “You really hate doing your homework and would much rather be on your new computer game. I really appreciate that you’ve remembered your homework diary and you’ve recorded your homework in it. Those are good organisational skills.” Parents also need to have a rule that homework gets done and the reward will be the computer game. Until the homework is done there is no computer game. Sometimes this may involve removing the computer (or at least the fuse) for a while.
FULL-TIME MOTHER AND TEARING YOUR HAIR OUT?

At The Parent Practice we have many a frustrated parent falling through our door keen to find solutions to make their role happier and more fulfilling.  It has struck us that the full-time mothers are often the ones who are the hardest on themselves.
 
“I’d always wanted children and knew I wanted to stop work to raise them” Says Jane (ex Marketing director for a multinational company) “before coming to The Parent Practice I had started to feel that I was a useless parent to my 2 boys aged 2 and 4 years.  I was stressed, exhausted, unfulfilled and feeling guilty about it too.  During the 8 years that I struggled to get pregnant, I used to look longingly at mothers walking their children in the park.
I wanted nothing more than to spend my days reading stories, colouring and making play-dough.  The reality of long days alone with small children was far different.”
 
Mothers often say that they find it embarrassing to discuss the difficult times with other mothers and their partners. They feel it is either being disloyal to their children or too humiliating to admit that their children rule the roost and that they nag, shout and bribe. 
 
Discussing her problems in the constructive environment of The Parent Practice parenting skills class, Jane says class was such a huge relief.  Not only did she realise that other parents struggled too, but it gave her the inspiration and confidence to make positive changes at home.  “I realised that I actually could use the analytical, logical side of myself that had helped me be so successful at work to find solutions for difficult issues with the children. 
I put aside my emotional response and thought ‘this is what I’m confronted with and this is what I need to do’. It felt fantastic and the results came through so quickly with the children that after two weeks of using the new skills and strategies my two year old’s nursery said he was a different child”
 
“I don’t know why I’m not relishing every moment of motherhood” mused Kate (mother of 3 small children) during her initial consultation “I couldn’t wait to give up work and now I fantasise about hiring supernanny, digging out my work clothes and skipping off to work all day everyday.  But the thing is I really do want to enjoy being a mother and I want to do a great job”.
 
Camilla McGill (a director of The Parent Practice) stresses that The Parent Practice doesn’t try to get people to be perfect parents.  What they do is teach practical and usable skills to transform family life. Parents learn how to be in charge and help their children be more cooperative, confident and motivated.
 
After her classes Kate said that her household is now so much calmer, that she feels she is at the helm of the family rather than just weathering storm after storm and that her children are so much happier.
 
Top tips for more fulfilling parenting: 

 

 
  1. Give yourself permission to be in charge – children need an adult to be the boss.
  2. Decide what things are really important to you, make clear rules and have them written down.
  3. Ask yourself “what solution can I find to this problem?”
  4. Praise your children descriptively for the small things they do, this is very motivating.
  5. Exercise your sense of humour – many potentially stressful situations can be defused with humour
  6. What made you good at your job? Were you organised, diplomatic, calm, a lateral thinker?  Can you apply these skills to family life?
  7. Praise yourself – acknowledge all the great things you do for your children
  8. It is absolutely vital to look after yourself.  Spend time without your children (no matter how little), eat well and exercise.

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STARTING SCHOOL FOR THE FIRST TIME
When your child starts big school for the first time everything may go very smoothly or there may be teething problems. You might be taken by surprise by upsets if your child settled happily at nursery school. Here are some tips for helping your child settle in well at school:
  • Familiarise your child with the physical environment of the school. Visit it often, even if only to look at the outside. If it's too far to visit often take a picture and hang it somewhere accessible. Refer to your school often but acknowledge that it might not feel like your school quite yet. Hopefully the children will have been to an induction day. Make sure they know where their classroom is, where the loos are, the playground, and the lunch area.
  • If you have an older child in the school don't assume that your younger one will know where everything is that's relevant to him. Make sure your little one understands when he will see his older sibling at school. They may be in separate playgrounds and he might have missed the point about different classes. Spell everything out.
  • Talk through any concerns you think your child may have. Typical anxieties are: will I make friends, will the teacher like me, will I like the teacher, will I be able to do what's asked of me, will I be able to find my way around. Many children are concerned by school loos which are very different from those at home and they may find the lunch arrangements daunting. Talk them through what's required and practice in role play using the loos and queuing for lunch if that's what they do. There's a good book which goes through the school day - Starting School by the Ahllbergs. Play schools at home for a few days.
  • Don't be afraid to talk about your child's anxieties - it won't cause them to feel anxious but will help alleviate their worries if you know what's going on for them and are not afraid to talk about it. This normalises things for the children. Once they've started school listen to any concerns they have and empathise - do not minimise their concerns and do not say 'You'll be fine, don't worry'. Instead you can say 'right now you're worried about making friends. Maybe we can talk about some ways to start conversations or to start a game.'
  • Get used to the uniform if there is one. Put it on and make sure your child can get in and out of it quickly by herself. Practice this. Children are often embarrassed if they can't get changed quickly enough and get chivvied by the teacher and sometimes teased by the other children.If you can meet up with some other children in your child's class during the holidays
    so that there are some familiar faces when they start.
HAPPY DAYS AT THE NURSERY 
By Camilla McGill.
  “My mornings were bedlam.  I used to shout at my 3 year old, fight with her about getting dressed and wind up feeding her cereal in front of the tv.  I would then grab the baby and run all the way to her nursery feeling miserable” said Helen.  “I couldn’t imagine any other way of doing things. In my parenting class I looked at the world from Olivia’s perspective and I began to understand how different it is from mine.”
 
Attending nursery can be a really happy experience for a child, it can also involve tears and tantrums from the child and high levels of stress for the parent.  2 1/2– 5 year olds are delightful yet at times can be exasperating.  Their concept of time is on another scale to ours, they  want things their way and they want it now, and they can suddenly change their minds in a way that seems most irrational us.  They can be picky about food and what they want to wear, clingy, whiny and aggressive.  So how can we get them to do what we need them to do without squashing their spirit?
 
At The Parent Practice we help parents decide on a set of rules and routines that work for them.  In a class or a one to one session parents focus on how to make the time with their children calmer, happier and easier .
 
Here are some suggestions to make things easier:
 
· Small children take longer than adults to do things.  They live in the moment and don’t have our sense of urgency so you may need to allow more time to do things. 
· Make things fun for them where possible.  Put on some ‘getting dressed’ music and talk in funny voices.
· Prepare ahead of time – lay the breakfast table, find things like coats, shoes, school bag and car keys the night before. 
· If you are going to allow TV in the morning it is great as a reward after they are dressed and have eaten breakfast rather than before or during.
 
“I worked with Olivia to make the morning go more smoothly.  We set out her clothes together the night before.  I praised her for any tiny effort to get herself dressed and she started trying so much harder to show me how well she could do.  I realised that I needed more time so I could be calmer and she felt less rushed.  The school also noticed how much happier Olivia was not only to be left by me but also in her general demeanour” said Helen
 
Be prepared with nursery-aged children to encounter tantrums, stubbornness, aggression and an unwillingness to share.  Frustrating as this is to deal with, it is quite normal.  However, how you deal with it will have a big impact on the duration and intensity of the bad behaviour and how frequently it returns. “I used to feel so upset with my son when he wouldn’t share” said Jonathan, father of 2.  “One day I approached it differently and instead of criticising him I said ‘Oh dear Ben, your toys are so precious to you. You might be worried that Sam will break your truck.  Tricky problem; two boys who love trucks and one truck… What can you do about it?’ I was amazed to see Ben run and fetch another truck and suggest that they race them”.
   
 You may also find they get upset when you have to leave them:
 
· Practice over and over what will happen when you leave them at school “What is mummy going to say when I drop you off? And then what are you going to say?” 
· They may have feelings of anxiety about being left.  Acknowledge the sadness, “You might feel sad when I leave you and that makes you want to cry.  You might be worried about what’s going to happen at nursery or you might be thinking you’ll be missing something at home”
· Involve them in solutions. “What could we do to help you feel less sad?  Shall we have a special kind of good-bye kiss?  Would you like to take something of mine to keep with you? …What do you think?”
 
TEATIME TANTRUMS AND BOLSHIE BEDTIMES - Dealing with Family Hotspots 
by Caroline Haigh

How hard can it be to get a couple of kids up and ready for school by 8.30am? Surely it’s just a question of waking them up, getting them dressed and then having a harmonious breakfast together before donning coats and shoes and skipping out the door? I wish this were the case. The usual scenario is not so serene – most kids like to play the second they open their eyes so even getting clothes on can feel like a hour in the gym after you’ve chased them up and down the corridor socks in hand. Then of course encouraging kids to eat breakfast can be like negotiating a peace deal. Most mums have probably shouted, threatened and punished the kids before feeling exhausted and wracked with guilt and its only 8am.
 
There are certain moments in daily family life that are far more stressful then others – these are known as Family Hotspots. Mornings tend to be chief culprits but bedtimes and mealtimes can cause similar angst when children just seem to know exactly what to do to get a reaction from mum and dad. In the evenings, kids seem turn into the Duracell bunny at exactly the moment when mum is longing for a bath and a glass of wine. Mealtimes, on the other hand, can disintegrate into complete chaos as one child throws food, the other won’t sit still and another thinks he’s superman and informs you that superheroes don’t eat chicken!
 
So, what is the solution? How can you ensure that you have fun family meals without tempers fraying or leave the house on time with no arguments? Well, help is at hand from the team at The Parent Practice where I recently attended a workshop. Based in Clapham, this excellent company runs informative and friendly courses that teach parents practical and usable skills to transform family life. Mums and dads can learn how to be in charge and help their kids be more cooperative, confident and motivated.
 
When dealing with Family Hotspots The Parent Practice urge mums and dads to be very clear about what behaviour they want to see from their children and then ask them to ensure the expectations are realistic for their ages. There is no point expecting a two-year-old to be able to eat with a knife and fork without making a mess, for example. Once standards are established then parents must put up a united front and be consistent with any new rules set in place.
 
One of the best ways to ensure your children accept any new rules is to get them involved in the process. Sit them down and ask them what they think the rules are at mealtimes, bedtimes or when you have most problems. Depending on their age, you could get them to write the list – this can be as detailed as you like including such things as ‘sit facing forwards at meals, use a fork, ask to get down when finished’ and so on. This method makes the kids feel involved (rather than just informed) and means the new rules have more clarity and consistency and the kids are more committed to them. It also reminds parents of the huge number of small things for which a child can be praised. Once the list is drawn up, get the kids to decorate it and then pop it on the fridge – like a star or tick chart. Here everyone can see it and it can become something positive (won’t always seem fun )– Daddy can come home and say “lets see how many ticks / stars we have all got today”. If you make the list very detailed including simple things such as sitting on your chair, kids can rack up a lot of ticks in one go. This is turn will make children feel pleased with themselves and more motivated to improve. So, even if the meal has seemed chaotic you will still be able to notice the good things: “well done for sitting so straight and still on your chair today” for example even if there is food is on the floor! 
 
This kind of praise is known as ‘descriptive praise’ and it is an extremely effective way to motivate your kids to do the right thing. It is based around the idea that when parents notice and mention any small improvement in their kids’ behaviour rather than always focusing on the negative or what the child didn’t do children behave better. How often do you find yourself saying ‘don’t throw food’ or ‘stop tipping your chair’ or ‘you never go to bed on time’ – all maybe true, but won’t motivate a child to improve. The other day, my little one suddenly threw all her pudding on the floor and I of course immediately shouted and said what a mess she’d made which then made her shout and cry and made me feel guilty. In fact, while I was gossiping to my friend she had been sitting quietly for a good 20 minutes eating up her main course without a fuss but the only thing I reacted too was the bad behaviour. Using descriptive praise I could have said something like “you have been such a good girl sitting quietly and eating up your meal, If you have had enough just ask mummy if you can get down”.  
 
If you have a child that just will not go to bed at night despite endless pleas and bribes try setting up some new rules. Ask them what it is they need to do before bedtime – they will probably list such things as cleaning their teeth, going to the loo, getting into bed and so on. You can then add such things as just one book and then being quiet or staying in bed. If the child calls out after five minutes, rather than getting annoyed that they have disregarded one of the rules focus on what they are doing right – for example, “well done for staying in bed and not complaining when we had just one story, that is very grown up of you. I know you want mummy to stay longer”. To reinforce the bedtime rule you will probably need to go back in frequently for the first few nights but focus on the positive things and the progress they are making.
 
Star charts can also be fantastic and kids tend to love them especially if covered in colourful stickers. Stars can be sufficient reward in themselves especially if accompanied by lots of praise or you might establish how many stars makes a reward – for example six stars in a day results in a story read by torchlight or 15 stars over the week means a trip to the café for breakfast. (Younger children can’t wait too long for a reward.)Try to make the rewards simple and non-material such as cooking some biscuits, an extra book at bedtime or lots of bubbles at bathtime.
 
In order to have the desired effect, descriptive praise really needs to be used liberally and consistently. It can often feel like you are being a bit over the top, but it does work and children respond fabulously well – they often can’t understand why mummy is being so nice and not shouting so much!
 
Another simple factor to bear in mind when dealing with hotspots is the time factor. Firstly ensure you have allowed enough time to get everything ready because kids hate being rushed and often go into reverse if sergeant major mummy is constantly commanding “come on, come on”!
 
Also, remember that kids have very different agendas to you. You may have a detailed minute-by-minute schedule planned but they are unaware of it, so when you announce supper is ready this minute they will know doubt protest. It helps if you talk through in advance what needs to happen. For example, go through the morning routine, “once we get up and have said good morning, what do you need to do?”Ask questions to prompt the answers ‘wash my face, get dressed, make bed and come down to breakfast’. This way you are involving them in the process. For example, “after breakfast what do we need to get ready for school?” More often than not, when kids say what they have to do they are more likely to do it. 
 
If your little one wants to play with soldiers rather than get dressed it is not because he is trying to make your life difficult. He would just rather play soldiers. He is having a problem with having to stop playing; he is not being a problem specifically to annoy you. Wouldn’t you rather read your magazine than cook supper? And if someone suddenly grabbed your magazine and demanded “I want supper now” would that motivate you to actually get to the cooker? I doubt it and I certainly hope not! 
 
So, if you have had enough of the morning mayhem, stress-filled suppers and nocturnal kids at bedtime, just give these ideas from The Parent Practice a go… I will be amazed if they don’t work.
 
The Parent Practice’s Top Ten Tips for Dealing with Family Hot Spots
 Allow more time – saves you being stressed by the clock.
  • Establish rules and stick to them
  • Involve the kids in setting rules
  • Morning Mayhem? Do as much as possible the night before.
  • Ask the children what needs to be done in advance
  • Brainstorm with the kids for strategies for dealing with difficult situations
  • Make written or fun pictorial routines for those difficult times
  • Ensure good things follow chores – stories after clearing up toys for example.
  • Give time warnings before something is going to happen.
  • Praise the kids as they are doing something – show their behaviour matters to you.

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A (Families SW) Readers Review on The Parent Practice's 10 week Parenting Skills Course

When I cradled my newborn (now 10 years ago) in my arms I never thought about ‘parenting’. I expected it would be quite straightforward, and that I would be a relaxed, carefree, fun-loving, easy going mum. I thought that just the sleepless nights and endless nappies in the early months was the hard bit. I had, after all, done my NCT course - surely the only course I would ever need? I didn’t reckon on the temperament of my son, who by 2 was strong willed, oppositional and defiant, and seemed to want to cross every boundary I was trying desperately to set.

My Health Visitor told me that he needed more praise, so, for the next 2 years I told him he was a ‘good boy’ 100 times a day. Amazingly this seemed to make no difference, and by 4, and one little sister later, the family was out of control. I spent too much of my parenting life shouting, repeating, nagging, crying (me and him!) and bribing for cooperation.

I think life would have continued along those miserable lines, had it not been for The Parent Practice. I attended their 10 week Parenting Course in Putney and realised very quickly that my son was the one in charge at home (and if I’m honest, I would do anything to avoid one of his frequent tantrums), that I didn’t really follow through on my threats, that he probably didn’t believe that he was a ‘good boy’ and that we, as a family had to make some adjustments to regain control and learn some new skills.

Having read more ‘Parenting Self Help’ books than I’d like to admit to, I wasn’t sure what a course could offer, that the books or ‘Super Nanny’ hadn’t already covered.

The first thing we were encouraged to do, as a family, was to write down some rules, and include the children in this process. The second thing, and this bit was a challenge, was to stick to them. Sounds simple. Where The Parent Practice helped here, was in preparing me for what to do when the melt downs started because ‘mummy wasn’t giving in like she used to’. They gave me the strength and support, that you don’t get from a book, and coached me through a very different type of praise which was detailed and descriptive, but more importantly, they made me realise that there were many more smaller, less obvious things to praise for than I had realised. I learnt how to stay calm in the face of provocation, praising tiny little steps in the direction of better behaviour. I had to really work hard to see them, and when I did, this had the most startling effect!
Like a key that can unlock a bolted door
Within days, he was learning that his exhausting tantrums weren’t working for him, and that his parents stayed calm(er!). He drank up the new style of praise like a thirsty plant and seemed happier and more willing to comply.

I learnt how to listen to him, whereas I’d never really made time for that, or perhaps I had always been too exhausted and fed up to even consider how he felt. The older my children get, the more I use this skill. It is like a key that can unlock a bolted door, and the feelings that can tumble out have often left me not only moved, and closer to my children, but that I have been given an amazing gift and I’d hate to think where I’d be without it.

The class attracted a mix of parents with tots and teens, and the facilitator skilfully adapted the class to address the needs of each different scenario and age group. I went because my family was in chaos, but many others were there for very different reasons; to boost their children’s self-esteem, to encourage self-reliance, to deal with sibling squabbling etc. I think we all came away with more enthusiasm for being a parent and definitely better behaved children.

None of us would dare say we had become perfect parents, or had perfect children (or, that it was easy) but we all had more confidence to deal with whatever challenges our children presented to us! They also have 2 brilliant CDs (Positive Discipline and Harmony At Home) which are great for sharing with reluctant partners and/or for listening to when you start to fall back into old habits when the course is over!) See our reviews section.

Now, when I see a parent being challenged by their child, I want to rush up to them and tell them about The Parent Practice, and promise them that it will make such a difference. This method could make me unpopular, or at least a bit ‘born again-ish’ so writing this is my way of sharing what I (and my family) have got from this amazing course. Anyone reading this, who is unsure, can attend a free ‘taster’ class with no obligation to sign up for the full course. At first glance, it may seem expensive, but I see it now as an investment in my relationship with my children, the benefits of which, hopefully, will last for many years to come.

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Meet The Parents

Lucy Etherington goes back to school to learn parenting
 
I’m in a rather splendid drawing room in south Clapham watching a grown woman pretend to be a petulant seven-year-old.
The woman is called Sarah and she’s one of the helpers in tonight’s Parent Practice workshop. Although the mere phrase ‘role play’ is usually enough to send me screaming to the nearest pub, this isn’t so bad because I’m not being asked to participate.
The dad next to me also seems to have lightened up, although this could be because Sarah, has started kicking her legs (as petulant seven-year-old). Another woman with nice hair wearing a pair of sparkly L K Bennet slingbacks is playing the mum, and is demonstrating how to get your child out of bed and dressed and ready for school without resorting to threats, bribery or shouting.
As cringeworthy as it sounds, this simple little demo is gold dust to any of us parents who weren’t born saints.
“When I first came to The Parent Practice, I thought it was awful,” admits Elaine Halligan, who did a course when her son, Sam, was thrown out of three schools for difficult behaviour. “But by the time I completed the first course, the effects were so dramatic, I was converted.”
Not only did Elaine’s relationship with her son, now 10, improve vastly and to the benefit of his education; she also ended up jacking in her job as a chartered accountant and training as a ‘facilitator’ (that’s non-aggressive lingo for teacher) for The Parent Practice.
She’s the one in the sparkly slingbacks. “I think I used to be a horrible person,” she whispers to me, during the break for tea and biscuits. “Now I’m so calm. My son even tells his friends he thinks I’m the greatest mum!”
The Parent Practice runs several long-term and short-term courses aimed at arming new parents with all the tools to produce healthy, well rounded children.
It is based on the very simple and obvious idea that we’re trained to do virtually everything else in life – from cooking to driving to being successful in our careers. But when it comes to babies, we’re supposed to know instinctually what to do, and are left to get on with it. Many of us muddle through and end up making the mistakes we swore we never would.
My daily sins include begging, making physical threats to beloved soft toys (“If you don’t clear your room, Teddy gets it!”), sweets and even cash bribes (through which my daughter has learned the valuable skill of bartering, while unfortunately for her, clearing out her own school fund).
Like the other 15 or so parents in the very lovely house – which also happens to be the home of Melissa Hood, who runs The Parent Practice – I admit to having resorted to shouting and saying the things I swore I never would, only to be totally ignored.
Which is why I have chosen to attend the Positive Discipline workshop. Through it, I’m hoping to establish a few basic household rules without coming on like the strict disciplinarian against whom my kids will invariably rebel. Like most parents, I’d like to earn my children’s trust and respect.
A workshop is a good way of getting a feel for how the Parent Practice works before signing up for one of four 10 week intensive courses, their personal consultations, or even the a shorter four week course.
It also offers some ingeniously simple tips on how to communicate with – and, let’s be honest, control – toddlers. And if three hours seems like a long time, they pack a lot in. I didn’t particularly warm to the presentation charts and slightly patronising lingo, like positive praise, pendulum parenting and ‘rules are your friends’. But the core clients – lawyers and management and city types – are clearly more used to this style of delivery. Even Elaine admitted to me that she found it all a bit “Californian and contrived” when she attended her first workshop five years ago.
Yet beyond my deeply ingrained scepticism (essential as a journalist, you understand) I must admit that I came away with some invaluable tips, and more importantly, a new way of seeing my role as a parent that was really rather refreshing.
My particular epiphany was when Elaine said: “What makes you think your