By Rachel Cuperman

Zen and the Art of Parenting

Or

How the Parent Practice saved my sanity

I first came across the idea of parenting classes several years ago.  A friend had enrolled on a course to improve compliance levels at home with her two school-age kids.  It seemed to involve pasta shapes in jars and being Very Positive and I remember at the time thinking “Why would you need to go on a course about parenting?  Surely, it’s something you just, well, get on with?”

In my defence, I was then a newly minted mum.  A total and utter neophyte.  My bouncing baby boy spent his waking hours gurgling happily, when he wasn’t smiling benevolently.  The behaviours of older children were still a mystery to me.  Like a far away land, full of temper tantrums and tears.  A land I secretly hoped never to visit.  Hah.

Three years and another new baby later and the picture was rather different.  My contended baby boy had turned into a strapping 3 ½ year old, with a will of iron and a frankly awesome temper.  Our son was (and is) a joy.  Loving, kind, affectionate and great fun.  Until he didn’t get his way, that is.  Anything that deviated from his agenda was met with nuclear strength resistance, violence and histrionics.  It wasn’t uncommon for him to soil himself in fury.  Each day became a series of skirmishes that ended in tears, exhaustion and remorse, on both sides.  But the pattern repeated itself, over and over. 

My husband and I tried everything we could think of to get a handle on the situation.  In terms of discipline, we didn’t consider ourselves to be pushovers.  We’d read the childcare books, watched the programmes, canvassed friends for their advice.  We’d

reasoned, cajoled, punished, done star charts and elaborate reward systems.  But nothing worked, for longer than a day or two anyway.

Crunch time came when my son, in the grip of fury, kicked his nursery teacher.  Being summoned to come and remove him was a mortifying and deeply upsetting experience, for all of us. We were now desperate and totally stumped.  We didn’t understand why our son was so angry and what we could do to help him curb his undesirable behaviour.

It was at this point the friend at the start of this story aimed me back in the direction of The Parent Practice.  And for this I will always be grateful.  When I plucked up the courage and phoned them, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.  What I got was the very sympathetic ear of the Elaine Halligan, one of the organisation’s excellent Facilitators.  Elaine listened carefully as I outlined our situation. She was compassionate, practical and most importantly, said she felt she could help us turn our situation around.  We decided to meet her for an initial consultation.  And that consultation proved to be the start of a transformative journey. 

Once she’d got the measure of our family set up, Elaine introduced us to The Core Skills: a set of tools and strategies which are designed to help parents cope with the myriad challenging situations that arise in daily life with kids, and are at the heart of what The Parent Practice teaches.

The first skill we learnt was “Descriptive Praise”. In action, this means noticing and mentioning the small good things your child does rather than focussing on the negative or on what they haven’t done.  The thinking behind this is that your children are hard-wired to get your attention, positive for choice. I already knew that it was a good idea to praise children, but this type of praise is different from the ‘good boy’ kind I was used to.  The more specific you can be in your appreciation, the more likely it is they’ll be motivated to repeat the behaviour.  Essentially, you train them into good habits with positive reinforcement.

I can honestly say that using this single skill was transformative.  It didn’t magically remove our problems but it made a massive difference.  Immediately.  Heartened by the results, I booked myself onto the course to learn more and I can honestly say its one of the most worthwhile things I’ve ever done.

The other parents I met were terrific.  All of them were grappling with issues of their own.  The weekly sessions gave us all the space to listen, think, discuss and laugh together and proved to be a great support.

As far as our little family goes, I can report that our son is a reformed character: happy, relaxed and much more able to cope with disappointment and take the rough with the smooth.  The tools that we have acquired help both ourselves and our son cope better with difficult situations.  And I’m sure its no coincidence that these situations now happen less and less often.