September 11th, 2018

Wanted: Good Friend

Did your child go back to school or start at a new school this week? If you’re wondering how to help him maximise his potential this year at school come along to our 3 part workshop series on this topic. If your mind is turning more to their friendships, read on.

Friendships can be lovely - affirming, supportive and nurturing. They can bring a child out of themselves and challenge them to try things they wouldn’t on their own such as climbing a tree, tricks on a skateboard, joining a choir or the Brownies. Friends can learn from one another in an academic context too. Being with friends teaches trust and intimacy and cooperation. Negotiating with peers teaches communication skills and compromise. Having friends of different backgrounds teaches respect and understanding. And learning how to break up and make up is also useful. Arguing helps a child to learn conflict resolution, including how to repair relationships.

Friends can help children through tough times, help them develop their own personality and help them transition toward independence. They are the forerunners for adult intimate relationships with a mate. Friendships can buffer a child from the negative effect of family conflict or break up, illness, poverty or lack of success at school.

Human beings have some basic primal needs –the first is to satisfy our physical needs and to be safe, and the second is to belong.

Friendships can also be troublesome sometimes – children fall out with each other; some kids find it hard to make friends, some are bullied. Children can be left out or have mean things said to or about them. They can be physically hurt themselves or their belongings hidden, stolen or broken. They can have hurtful words hurled at them, face to face or via social media. Children can be very cruel and fickle –they may be best buddies one day and off with someone else the next. Children may have immature responses to differences of opinion, feeling jealous, being unwilling to share possessions, wanting to dictate how the game goes etc etc.

Friendships are relationships chosen by the children themselves, nurtured, broken, repaired and perhaps discarded, and by and large it’s best if parents let kids navigate these relationships themselves. Child-child relationships are egalitarian in a way that adult-child relationships are not and that freedom should be protected. Kids will learn more from their own failures and successes in relationships than if parents muscle in.

“Friendships matter to children because they are relationships that are all their own – created and nurtured by them.” (Dr Eric Lindsey, Texas University

That doesn’t mean that parents can’t help their children at all to successfully manage peer relationships. Here are 8 ways we can help:

1. Provide play opportunities

Provide opportunities for children to play together- but don’t butt in too much. Children need both physical and emotional space to play!  Research has found that how mothers behave when children have friends round can be a key to children’s popularity. Parents who micro-manage children’s playtimes tend to have offspring who are less well-liked. Hard as it is, try not to intervene in every spat. Children can often work it out for themselves. 

2. Involve children in groups outside school

Involve them in after-school activities of their choosing; sporting or arts clubs or youth groups, active groups doing physical or creative things or community involvement. Encourage children to take part in extra-curricular groups to get them outside themselves and find out what they’re interested in and to provide a friendship pool other than at school. 

3. Let them choose
As kids get older their friends will be those they choose to hang out with rather than the children of your friends. Friendships are generally transitory in the 5-8 age group – this is the time to try a lot of different friends. We shouldn’t direct or limit this as it is a learning time; the ‘wrong’ children are as important as the right ones because even a ‘bad’ friend can be a great learning experience. Don’t criticise their friends. When appropriate ask your child what they think about the friend’s behaviour, rather than criticising the individual. 

4. Give lots of approval

Let your kids know how much you value them, both to build connection and self-esteem and so that they don’t become over-dependant on peer approval. Children who don’t get much approval at home can be vulnerable to peer pressure which may lead to poor behaviour that they mightn’t engage in otherwise. Provide them with regular positive family time so they feel connected there. All families need to spend time together, so that conversations can occur during non-crisis moments such as around the dinner table. Praise them descriptively for any good friendship qualities they show. 

5. Model being with your own friends and being friendly with your partner. 

Demonstrate loyalty, commitment, self-respect, constructive dispute resolution, and communicating and managing feelings. 

6. Train children in social skills through play and practice tricky situations in role play.

Teach children to be aware of their own and others’ feelings by watching films or reading books with emotional content. Ask them what the characters are feeling. How do they know? Have they ever felt like that? If they’re feeling that way how are they likely to act? Use role plays to prepare for difficult conversations or conversation openers or retorts to teasing. Use games like ‘Simon Says’ and ‘Chinese Whispers’ to practice listening and collaboration and games of chance to practice following rules and winning and losing well. 

7. Acknowledge how they feel when children are upset about friendships. 

Don’t brush their feelings aside in an attempt to cheer them up and don’t rush in to advise them what to do. If you let them release their feelings it will free up their thinking brains to allow them to come up with solutions for themselves. 

8. Help them to be thought detectives.

When your children assume that their friend’s behaviour has a malicious motive, listen to those feelings first, then gently challenge their thinking by asking questions. Encourage your child to be more accurate in their thinking by:

* Catching his thoughts (“No one at school likes me.”)(“Ed thinks he’s more important than me.”)

* Collecting evidence (“Sherry and I do homework together—she’s a friend of mine.”) (Ed pushed in front of me in the line at breaktime.)

* Challenging her thoughts (“Is it really true that no one at all likes me? Where is the evidence?”) (“Ed might have been in a hurry to get inside after break. Maybe he needed the bathroom.”)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 27th, 2018

Back to school –is your child trying too hard to be 'perfect'?

Many schools go back in the UK next week. If your child is starting school for the first time there are some ideas in this blog which will help you to prepare. Even if it’s not your child’s first year at school you should probably be thinking now about how to transition from holiday mode to school routines. There are some useful tips here.

I was talking to a journalist, Anna Tyzack, during the holidays about perfectionism for a piece she was writing for the Telegraph. It got me thinking about the number of parents who worry about their child’s perfectionist tendencies at school. Do you have a child who won’t put up their hand to answer a question because they might get the answer wrong? Or maybe your child labours over a story or drawing for hours only to screw it up because they’re not happy with it.

As your child is embarking on a new academic year are concerned about perfectionism or do you think it will spur your child on to greater achievements? Are you a proud perfectionist yourself? If you are worried about it is there anything you can do?

Last week GCSE results came out and I was struck by the different ways different children I knew received their results. One boy at a highly academic school was quietly satisfied with exceptional results (but was very keen to know if his 8s were nearly 9s) whereas another girl was over the moon excited with ‘merely good’ grades. Perfectionism can be a problem if it means we’re never content with what we achieve. You may well know adults like that. They are driven to achieve ever greater things, get better grades, better qualifications, better positions, but are never satisfied. They never believe that they are good enough.

Research conducted by Thomas Curran and Andrew P. Hill [the University of Bath and York St John University respectively (Study Personality and Social Psychology Review 2015)] found that perfectionism is associated with a wide range of mental illnesses, including depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, anorexia, insomnia, and even self-harm and suicidal ideation. They also found that rates of perfectionism are increasing, especially among young people and children.

The modern world is geared towards perfectionism. Our society is a highly individualistic one which places heavy emphasis on social comparison and competition, whether we’re talking about  accomplishments or looks. On a daily basis through advertising and social media (which provide platforms for us to put forward perfect versions of ourselves and our lifestyles) we are exposed to the idea that perfection is attainable and that our status and our value are judged by externally-set standards. Schools have of course become even more focused on comparative results with the introduction of league tables and many educators lament the resultant teaching to the test at the expense of a holistic education. Social media offers the possibility of comparisons and judgment about how we raise our children too. An innocent question often brings forth resounding judgment.

But perfection is an abstraction, an impossibility, and pursuing it is a route to unhappiness. Perfectionists, in their pursuit of success are often so focused on avoiding failure that it leads to procrastination. I know I delayed starting writing my book for years because of the notion that it had to be perfect. Perfectionists want to avoid mistakes and often find that they get less done because of their fears. They can become risk-averse. The ability to persevere even when things are going badly is a key element of success, and it's a quality that perfectionists often lack.

There is a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection and parents can either contribute to perfectionist anxieties or encourage children to do their best and be happy with that. Perfection is not within the grasp of ordinary human beings and good parents do not require perfection of their children in everyday behaviour or in their schoolwork, sporting endeavours or artistic activities.

So what can parents do to relieve their children of the burden of perfectionism?

  1. Stop being perfectionists ourselves

What we model is very important so if our children see us beating ourselves up when we make a mistake they will learn that failure is unacceptable. If we give the appearance of perfection they will think they need to be perfect too. We need to consciously model the idea that making mistakes is normal, that it doesn’t diminish us as human beings and is often desirable if it means we learn from them. Point to famous people in sports, science, music and industry who have made many mistakes and not given up. Check out this video on You Tube.

  1. Encourage a growth mindset

You may be aware of Carol Dweck’s now famous work on growth vs fixed mindsets as a way of explaining attitudes toward intelligence and towards failure. Encourage a growth mindset by paying more attention to your child’s efforts, attitudes and strategies for learning as well as their improvements, rather than focusing on their results or grades. Pay attention to the intrinsic benefits and joys of whatever they’re learning, rather than an assessment of their performance. Do NOT call your child clever, or pretty. They need to know that we value them for much more than how they look, that they're courageous, that they're capable, that they are kind people, for so many other things than just the way they look. 

  1. Let go of blame

When something goes wrong, whether in ordinary behaviour or some aspect of performance seek not to judge or blame but to understand and to guide. Do not deal with the matter until everyone is calm and then use the mistakes process:

  • Acknowledge how your child feels about what has happened. Assume they feel bad even if they’re making a show of bravado.
  • Help your child admit what happened. What did they do that contributed to the problem? (Only possible if they are clear there is no judgment)
  • What can they do to make amends?
  • How should they alter their behaviour for the future? Do they need help with this?
  • Help them to accept that they’re human and will make mistakes. Move on.

Wishing you well for a non-perfect new school year.

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July 11th, 2018

What does Socrates have in common with your children?

Well, Socrates, the Greek philosopher and educator who lived about 400BCE, was renowned for his love of questions. Perhaps Socrates’ main contribution to Western thought was the development of the Socratic method of enquiry, a process by which questions are asked to help a person examine ideas and find answers for themselves. It is used in teaching and in therapy and can be very usefully employed in parenting.

Socrates also said “To know, is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.” That is something that will ring true for many of us and is a great starting position for a parent to take! Instead of delivering pearls of wisdom to our children we can ask questions to help them think and discover for themselves.

We can use questions to

  • shift the focuswhen something has gone wrong we can ask non-judgmental questions to help children reflect on what happened, how they felt, how others were affected, what they could do to make things better, how they could behave differently next time and what support they need.
  • guide enquiry –“So it seems that you’re worried that if you go to that party with Emily that Georgie will feel left out. It seems that you care about Georgie’s feelings. Is that right?”
  • examine beliefs“Do you think Tom deliberately threw the ball at you to hurt you or is his aim not that accurate?”
  • connect with our children –“If you were making a movie who would be the main character and what would he do?”
  • stimulate creativity“You haven’t given up on this problem. What solutions have you considered? Do you know anywhere you can look for the answers you need?”
  • challenge them – “I love the way you’ve left a finger space between each word. And your letters are a bit bigger than last time. That makes it easy to read. What will you do next time to make it even better?
  • provoke thought and test assumptions“What makes you say Hannah doesn’t like you? Is it because she didn’t reply to your message? Can you think of any other reason why she might not have replied?”
  • encourage kids –“I think you can do it if you practice. What do you think?” “How proud are you of yourself right now?” 

We can also use questions to:

  • set up for success. Before a challenging event (everyday things like homework or leaving a play date/park or rare events like a visit to a prospective school or getting vaccinations) ask kids what they need to do (you want detail) and what obstacles might get in the way, how they might feel about it and what they can do to deal with those challenges/feelings. “I know it makes you worried when you face new things for the first time. So when we go to the gym class you might think you don’t want to join in, even though you love gymnastics. I won’t force you to do anything that really bothers you but what can you do to help you feel safer?... Would you like to get there a bit early so we can watch some of the class before yours? Or do you have any other ideas? You’re a person who likes to check things out first. You’re very careful. That’s great so long as you don’t miss out on things you’d enjoy.” Our questions can help the children make the connections and get to the answers themselves. This is a really effective way to empower them and encourage them to think for themselves.
  • bolster self-esteem. When parents ask kids for their opinions, ideas and solutions it makes them feel their contributions are valued. 
  • avoid nagging. Instead of telling your kids what to do, ask them what they should be doing (nicely). It is far more likely to happen if it comes out of their mouths than when we tell them what to do (again). It reduces their sense of being controlled which can lead to resistance and rebellion. 
  • promote the development of morality. You can pose (hypothetical) questions to your children in the form what would you do if…? Your aim is to engage them in thinking, not to fish for information or to judge. Examples from my book, Real Parenting for Real Kids:
  • What would you do if Dad told you to clean up your toys but you were having fun? You don't want to stop playing.
  • You're practising on your skateboard in the house and break Mum’s new ornament. She hears the crash and comes running to see what happened. If you tell the truth, you know you will be in trouble. What will you do?
  • A boy is hanging out with friends when they start teasing a quiet kid, taking his things and calling him names. If he sticks up for him, the group could turn on him. He starts to slip away, but someone throws him the boy's bag. What should he do? 

Some questions to avoid:

  • Those that dwell on what has happened in the past –instead look forward
  • Judgment –questions are better when there is no ‘right’ answer. ‘Why’ questions can produce excuses and attempts to blame others or just reach a dead end.
    • Why did you hit Jamie?
    • Why did you fail the test?
    • Why didn’t you invite him over?
    • Why didn’t you leave your muddy shoes outside?
  • Questions that are really opinions or sarcasm or rhetorical questions e.g. do you think money grows on trees?
  • Closed questions. These are questions that require a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer and may stop the conversation. We all know these questions and their answers.

Parent

Child

How was your day?

Fine

What did you have for lunch?

I forget

Did you have football practice?

Yes

What did you learn today?

Nothing

!!!!

 

Open questions are ones that stimulate conversations and make kids think and explore possibilities. Examples are “If you had a day where you could do anything what would you do?” “I had a tough day at work. Tell me about your day at school.” Instead of “Why did you hit your brother?” say “I see your brother is crying. Tell me about it.” 

There are lots of commercially available conversation starter cards such as table topics. I recommend that, if you haven’t already, you go out and get some and enjoy some great conversations and ask lot of questions these holidays. Above all, be curious.

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July 03rd, 2018

Will you be giving your child’s teacher an end of year gift?

I was meant to be interviewed on BBC Radio Suffolk this morning about gifts for teachers but that didn’t happen because the football got prioritised and they ran out of time! Imagine! But of course I had been thinking about gifts for teachers and thought some of you might be thinking of said purchases too so here are my thoughts on the subject.

Some of you may be the super-organised types who took care of this weeks ago. We hate you already. But assuming you haven’t (since you’re reading this) what are the problems with gifts for teachers?

• It can get really expensive, especially if you’ve got more than one child of primary school age.
• It’s a real effort to think of something novel and takes time to go trawling round gift shops or websites.
• Teachers end up with multiple mugs with ‘World’s best teacher’ on them or candles or chocolates or other things they don’t really need or want and we all have enough stuff.
• It ends up being the parent’s effort, not the child’s.

So what’s the solution?

Some parents will group together and pool resources of time and money to purchase something meaningful for a teacher. This is a nice idea but doesn’t really solve the problem of input from the children unless you brainstorm with them.

What does a teacher really want as a gift? Well s/he might really look forward to a nice bottle of something at the end of the year but most of all he or she really wants to be appreciated. We all like to be appreciated.

So how can your child show his or her appreciation? It has to be their effort and it has to be sincere. It might feel like a lot of your effort to get them to think about how to show their appreciation but you will be teaching them a lot about how to be thoughtful.

I would start by asking them what they like about their teacher. Maybe complete the sentence I like it when…. I like it when you read us a story at the end of the day and use lots of different voices. I like it when you give me stickers for good effort. I like the way you smile. The more detail the better. Your child may never have really thought about what he likes about his teacher.

I can hear some cynics asking what if my child doesn’t actually like their teacher all that much? Well why are you buying a gift? Is it just because that’s what everyone does? Has it become an exercise in hypocrisy or one of diplomacy? Do you genuinely think that your child should express gratitude to his teacher? Do you need to help your child see the positive sides to his teacher?

Asking questions will make it more of the child’s effort and will teach them valuable lessons about thinking deeply and practice at appreciating people –an essential social skill. The more perceptive amongst you may recognise Descriptive Praise here.

If for example your daughter says her teacher is boring don’t dismiss that but teach her to see another perspective by asking (without sarcasm) if her teacher is calm? Does she think carefully about things? If your son says his teacher is mean, ask him what makes him say that. Acknowledge any feelings of injustice that your child may have experienced first and then delve deeper to see if he can find any qualities to acknowledge his teacher for. This needs to be sincere. It’s no good mentioning kindness if your child thinks his teacher is cross and shouts all the time. You may need to ask lots of questions to draw this out.

When you’ve got a few positive characteristics decide how you’re going to record them. This may depend on the age of your child. Some ideas (in ascending order of effort, parental involvement and expense):

• Draw a picture of the teacher or of the teacher and child
• Make a word drawing using the qualities mentioned when brainstorming with them
• Make a card
• Get a kit to design your own mug with a drawing of the teacher or the qualities words on it. They come with appropriate indelible pens and sometimes need to be fired in the oven.
• Go to a pottery studio where you design your own plate, mug or bowl.

I was at the Festival of Education hosted by Wellington College the week before last and was really struck by how many of the talks and stands related to teacher burnout. Our teachers do a vital job and we need to support them to stay in the profession and maintain their enthusiasm to nurture our children’s thinking.

Teachers don’t go into teaching necessarily looking for appreciation. Most of them do it because they have a vocation to bring out the best in your children. I hope you had some really good teachers in your childhood. If you did you will remember. Everyone remembers a good teacher but we don’t always think to tell them that we appreciate them at the time.

When my middle son was in primary school I used to dread it when his teacher asked to speak to me because I always assumed (with some justification) that she would tell me something negative about him. But teachers often have the same experience of dreading talking to a parent as they expect to be criticised.

Let’s make sure we let teachers know that both parents and children value them, but it doesn’t need to be through expensive gifts.

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June 04th, 2018

Maximising Children's Potential at School

Many families across the country have children doing exams at the moment. Many children are frustrated because they’re inside revising while it’s sunny outside. Many parents are frustrated because their children aren’t inside revising… Some of you may be very glad that you’re not at that point in your children’s education yet. But you will be at some point. And you probably want them to do the best they’re capable of. You probably want them to get an education that sets up life-long learning, that teaches them to think, to solve problems and to be creative. Certainly that’s what their future employers are hoping for.

So what can parents do to help our kids get the best out of their schooling? If children are to do their best at school and in whatever path they choose thereafter, they will need:

• to be confident and self-motivated and believe they are capable
• to try things and take risks
• to work hard and persevere and have self-control
• to have drive and the courage to follow their own dreams
• to be curious and think creatively and solve problems for themselves
• to think of themselves as learners and problem-solvers
• to pick themselves up after failures, not be defeated by them but embrace them as opportunities for learning
• to have good communication skills and emotional intelligence

Parents can help children develop these characteristics and habits essential for maximising their potential at school. We prioritise behaviours and encourage particular traits by paying attention to them and we motivate our children by how we speak to them.
We can probably all list a number of actions taken by adults that don’t motivate kids ….and then find that we’re doing a few of the things on that list!

Imagine you are the child in the following scenario and see how motivated you feel:
Toby…Toby….TOBY! Will you come and do your homework please. I shouldn’t have to shout Toby. That’s naughty. You know it’s homework time. ….Yes, you do have to do it lazy boy. You know that….No you can’t do it after you’ve finished on Minecraft. You never finish on Minecraft. That silly game takes over your life… Come NOW!

Have you got your worksheet? Well where is it then? You didn’t leave it at school again! Oh Toby, you’d forget your head if it weren’t attached to your shoulders. You’re so disorganised. Well start on your spellings while I get it off the school intranet. And leave those rubbers and things alone. You don’t need them to learn your spellings. How are you supposed to learn anything hanging off your chair like a monkey? Emily sits still on her chair and concentrates which is why she gets through her homework so much faster than you. It’s a nightmare every evening Toby. Do you think I like having to nag you like this? Now get on with that homework or you won’t be going on Minecraft again at all this week.

You can probably see how un-motivating it is to be criticised, nagged and labelled, compared with a sibling, threatened, put down, belittled and made to feel a nuisance. This example may be a bit extreme to make a point but in our classes and workshops many parents admit that they inadvertently drop into these kind of tactics to try to get children to do what they don’t want to do.

So what does work?

Well it will help to consider why your child is unmotivated about school work. Is it too hard for her or would she rather just be doing something else? We all have to do things we don’t particularly want to do but nobody is very motivated when we feel that success isn’t possible. I can remember my son coming home with red marks all over his Spanish homework. He believed there was nothing good about his work, that he was hopeless at Spanish. He couldn’t see any reason to keep trying.

We need to help our children experience small successes and to believe that success is possible with greater effort. We can encourage this kind of growth mindset by the way we talk to our children.

Focus on the positives. “Thanks for looking at me when I asked you to turn off the computer. I know you’d like to keep playing and you know it’s time for homework. It takes self-control to stop doing something fun and do what you have to do. You did that last night when I said it was time to pack up the Lego and go brush your teeth. You hardly moaned at all!”

When we notice small steps in the right direction, including strategies which will help our children do well, we encourage them to keep trying. “It really works for you to move around the room when you’re learning your spelling words, doesn’t it? I can see that you’re looking at the word and then shutting your eyes. Are you imagining what the word looks like in your head? Good strategy!

Notice improvements. “Each time you practice your times tables you get better at remembering them. Now you know your 4 and 6 times tables whereas at the beginning of term you were really only sure of your 2s, 3s and 5s. That’s progress!”

Focus on effort rather than results. If they get a good test result, comment on the effort behind it. “You’ve done so well because you really worked at your fractions until the techniques were really solid in your mind. Every time you did a challenging sum your brain grew a little.” Don’t say “You’re so clever”.

Create a culture in your family where mistakes are regarded as a normal part of learning. Demonstrate this by your attitude to your own mistakes. Explain that the brain only grows by being challenged.

Our words are very powerful but so are our actions. You can also enthuse your child about learning by:

• knowing their curriculum and speaking enthusiastically about the topics they’re covering, attending parent teacher evenings and school events and speaking positively about the school
• showing how different skills are relevant in everyday life, at home and in the workplace
• demonstrating that you continue to learn; let them see you read, attend lectures, listen to educational podcasts or watch videos

Maximising your child's potential at school is our new 3 part series of workshops launching in the Autumn 2018

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May 14th, 2018

Shouting is the new smoking

Shouting is like smoking in several ways. We know it’s a bad idea but we keep doing it. It doesn’t make any difference if people lecture us about it –we’ve heard it all before. We know, we know. We’ve got into the habit, ok, and it’s hard to break.
There was a good reason why we started in the first place. With smoking you may have felt daring, rebellious or grown up when you took your first puff at age 16…14…12. All your friends might have been doing it. It gave you something to do with your hands at parties. It helped you to not eat. Lung disease is what happens to other people, old people; and you were never going to be one of those. Now that you are older having a cigarette is one of the few quiet moments in the day when you can stop…and think…or just stop. And it’s the cool gang outside with the cigarettes.
When we shout at the kids we have good reasons too. I mean you should hear what they say to us! I would never have spoken to my mother the way they speak to me! We have to shout at them, don’t we, to get them to pay attention to us? One boy confirmed this when he responded to the question why didn’t he do what his mum asked with the answer, “She hasn’t shouted yet”. And we shout because our emotional cup/to-do list is overflowing. Because we started the day behind the eight ball by sleeping through the alarm, finding the uniforms in a great unwashed ball in the bedroom corner, by our 8 year old cheerily announcing that it didn’t matter because they didn’t need to wear uniform today because it was World book day and they had to go in costume. And this is the first you’ve heard of it and you should have left 10 minutes ago and nobody has had breakfast. And we shout because nobody, but nobody (except maybe the dog) listens to us. We shout because we’ve already asked nicely 515 times and nothing’s happened. And surely we deserve some respect? I mean we brought those children into the world; half of us laboured to give birth to them! They should be grateful. And they should do what we say. It’s because they don’t that we shout, isn’t it?
There’s a small difference between smoking and shouting. When we smoke we do most damage to ourselves and potentially some damage to others through passive smoking. When we shout we risk some damage to our children and we also damage ourselves. When we get ourselves into a position where shouting seems like the answer our blood pressure is elevated, our hearing is diminished and our sight is reduced to a very narrow focus. We are stressed and cortisol is flooding our brains. Our children know when we have lost it. The ‘it’ we have lost is self-control and with it we lose their respect.
If we get into habits of shouting children learn:
• not to pay attention when we speak normally
• to disrespect us
• that we don’t respect them
• that shouting is what you do in order to persuade someone of your point of view
• that their agenda, their opinions or feelings don’t matter.
When we shout connection is broken and with it the chance of cooperation is greatly reduced and children do not learn all the valuable lessons we could have taught them, including how to interact respectfully with others.
But we don’t always shout at our kids. For some it’s only certain behaviour that pushes our buttons and we’re calm the rest of the time. And our partner may not be bothered by that behaviour. My husband used to be quite relaxed when our great big galumphing boys came and wrestled with each other on our bed… when we were in it, quietly reading our books at the end of a long day. But I used to hate it and feel it was an invasion of our precious quiet time and I’d yell at them to get off and get out! Some of us can react calmly to exactly the same behaviours today that we shouted about yesterday. What’s going on? It can’t be the kids’ behaviour that determines whether we shout or not or we’d all shout about the same behaviour, all the time. It must be something to do with us.
Life doesn’t make us react in set ways –we have choices. But it often doesn’t feel that way. When the red mist descends it feels automatic to go into shouting mode. What is it that pushes our buttons? Well, what pushes my buttons may be different from what pushes yours. But we have this in common; we react because of how we’re feeling. When you feel disrespected or powerless you may respond with harsh, authoritarian behaviours to try to command some respect. Why do I feel disrespected when my husband doesn’t? That’s because I have a different set of thoughts about the behaviour than he does and it’s those thoughts that prompt my feelings out of which I react.
When I was growing up it was instilled in me to think of others; to be selfish was a Really Bad Thing. So when I saw behaviour in my teenagers that I interpreted as selfish (who’d have thought a teenager might be self-focused?) I thought of it as a character flaw rather than a stage of development. That made me anxious and I responded harshly. And when I did that I lost the connection that would have enabled me to teach my children without bruising their self-esteem, without judging them or making them feel my disappointment and disapproval. When you shout at a teenager their ears bang shut and they are convinced that you are unreasonable, mean and nasty.
But we can get our kids to listen without shouting.
We need to stay calm and that means:
• prioritising self-care
• pushing the pause button before you respond (you may need a calming strategy like taking deep breaths or going for a walk or repeating a mantra to yourself like ‘he’s having a problem, not being a problem’)
• reframing our negative thoughts about our children’s actions to see if there’s another more helpful explanation for what they’re doing
• scheduling time to spend with them doing fun stuff to build connection
• using lots of descriptive praise –nothing opens kids’ ears faster
• listening to them.
Of course we’re only human so we’ll slip up and shout from time to time but, as they say with smoking, don’t give up giving up, and join me in taking the ‘vow of yellibacy’.

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