Anxiety - When do we need to worry?

Do you know the difference between anxiety and a normal childhood worry?

It may come as no surprise that a recent Oxford University study, conducted during lockdown, concluded that the age group suffering most from anxiety were primary school children. What with the rule of six, children being split from friendship groups and whole classes being sent home if one person tests positive for COVID19, together with the majority back in home schooling yet again, it’s no wonder children are worried and getting more stressed. Add to that the Health Secretary’s warning last year :“Don’t kill your gran by catching coronavirus and passing it on” it’s hard for our young ones not to be unsettled.

Stress and worries are normal. You know that feeling in your body, when you step out of your comfort zone, have nervous anticipation or experience something uncertain? When the adrenalin floods through the body before an exam, or for me, before a speaking event. This kind of stress is normal as it kicks us into taking on challenges, but we’re not so stressed that it leads to overwhelm. Stress and anxiety have many things in common but they are not the same. Stress is tied up with a feeling of emotional strain or tension, whereas anxiety is a feeling of fear or panic.

However some anxiety can be beneficial, as it can protect us from danger, pushes us to take action and to perform at higher level. A good example is when I’m on the golf course. Having experienced being hit by a golf ball ( not something I really want to encounter again) when I hear someone shout “FORE”, it’s quite a comical moment to anyone looking on, as I’ll usually give a little scream and either crouch down covering my head with my hands, or I have been known to thrown myself flat on the fairway! In other words my inbuilt security system tells me I’m in danger, I freeze and then within seconds when I hear the thud of the golf ball nearby, I realise I’m not at risk and my body gives me the ALL CLEAR and I reset and all is well. I can recognise I am no longer at risk.

However if an anxiety is very big, very frequent and very consuming, and it starts to get in the way of every day life, so it’s not short term or an occasional thing, then it’s a problem.

However as parents there is much we can do to support our children to combat anxiety and prevent it happening in the first place. Here are 7 ideas for you.

1. Be a good role model for your child and be a calming influence. Your children are watching you all the time, so your own behaviour speaks more loudly than words. For example if you are scared of dogs and see a big dog approaching , it is tempting to cross the road in order to protect your child from what you perceive as danger , but what you cement in is that there is something to be scared of.

2. Schedule in some calm time every day .Have a set time when you can all snuggle together in a zen den and create a low stimulus environment. Placing a large duvet cover over a table creates a zen den - a dark and quiet place to read books with a torch.

3. Take time to listen to and validate their feelings. Telling them “not to worry” or “You’ll be fine” just doesn’t work as you can’t take away a worry by telling your child they shouldn’t worry. It’s not our job to take away the feelings of upset. It’s our job to help them cope and we do that by letting them know the feelings they have of worry, fear, doubt are normal, everyone has them and they actually serve a purpose in prompting us to take action.

4. Be an anxiety detective. It can be difficult to work out what is normal stress and what is anxiety, and where that tipping point is. Trust your instinct as you are the expert on your child so look out for anything that feels really different e.g. loss of appetite, nightmares, tics or stammers or perhaps withdrawing from activities they used to love.

5. Build their confidence by building competencies. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the gift of self-reliance and if you do too much for your child it gives them the message they can’t manage alone. A resilient child is one who can come up with solutions to problems. True confidence comes from feeling you can cope with whatever comes up in life.

6. Teach your child deep belly breathing. Breathing is an amazing tool that signals our parasympathetic nervous system to calm the body down. Try imagining a steaming cup of hot chocolate filled with marshmallows and inhale the smell deeply for 4 seconds and then breathe out for twice as long, cooling the drink down.

7. Set up a worry box. Create and decorate a box where your child can write all their worries down on individual pieces of paper, fold them and pop them in the box. Place the box out of sight (not under the bed) and at the end of the week at a set time, review all the worries. Have they materialized or have they just taken care of themselves? Some of my clients rip up the worries that have now dissipated or for an older child, it can be very exciting to burn them out in the garden or someone safe. Not that I am encouraging pyromaniacs, but I have yet to meet a child who doesn’t enjoy lighting a candle or blowing a flame out. That symbolic ritual of burning the worries can be very powerful and fun.