Does your child have a healthy sporting mindset, or do they want to win at any cost?
Girl playing tennis as her sport
I defy anyone, tennis fan or not, not to have been enthralled by the recent match at the U.S. Open, when unseeded British teenager Emma Raducanu went from qualifier to champion, and overnight became the teen tennis sensation of this century.
It was some of the best women’s tennis I’ve ever seen and a masterpiece in having the right mindset to play sport at the highest competitive level and at such a young age. It’s clear that Team Raducanu have scaffolded Emma beautifully and in doing so, have contributed to the development of a young woman who has outstanding character traits, I am certain most parents would want to see in their children. Her tenacity, determination and focus speak volumes and illustrates she’s not afraid to work hard. She exudes growth mindset traits of
Embracing challenges. Unseeded, it was only her second appearance at a Grand Slam tournament.
Persisting in the face of setbacks. Twice was a point away from winning the title in the next game, but she let both of those opportunities slip away by putting groundstrokes into the net.
Seeing effort as the path to mastery, as she undertook thousands of hours of practice to reach champion status. She’s the first woman to win the singles championship without dropping a set, since Serena Williams in 2014
Finding lessons and inspiration in the success of others, naming Andy Murray and Li Na as her role models.
Her parents have clearly given her every opportunity to nurture her talent and she attributes her mental resilience to her mum
“My mum’s side of the family, when I go over to China, they are so mentally resilient. It’s like nothing can bring them down. I would say I take a big part of my inspiration from her. My mum has worked very hard.”
And yet it does seem as if her parents have ensured she’s kept grounded and had realistic expectations. I had to laugh out loud after the 3rd round victory at Wimbledon this summer when she reported
“It’s funny because when I was packing to come into the bubble, my parents were like, ‘Aren’t you packing too many sets of match kit?’ So I think I am going to have to do some laundry tonight”
And yet there are other character traits that few are talking about, that clearly gave her the edge on her opponent Leylah Fernandez of Canada.
Emotional Self regulation and
Good sportsmanship
Both women are in their teen years and as such their prefrontal cortex’s ( their thinking brain’s) are still very much in development. So if certain emotions like fear or anger are aroused, that can draw energy away from their thinking brain. It was clear yesterday that Fernandez’s emotions switched on her instinctual brain and pulled activity away from her thinking brain, when a medical time out had to be called to sort out a bleeding graze on Raducanu’s knee, at a critical point in the game. Fernandez was clearly unhappy and proceeded to get into a heated argument with both the umpire and the tournament referee. It was evident that she was emotionally thrown by the interruption.
By contrast Raducanu used the time to cool off, stay hydrated and gather her thoughts. She remained composed and used the time out wisely to regroup.
In the cold light of day, she probably realised she’d made a mistake in that moment and could have reacted differently, but what I found curious was the fact she was unable to admit her mistake and instead defended herself by explaining she was unaware of the official medical time out rules and didn’t know what was happening.
“ I honestly did not know what was happening with Emma. I didn’t know how serious her fall was, so that’s why I went to see the official and ask her about it.”
Was this poor sportsmanship when her opponent was bleeding, or just a young woman whose teen emotions got the better of her, in the biggest moment of her life. I am favouring the latter explanation.
I play competitive golf at a club level, amateur, all designed to be friendly and fun – and yet I have experienced a few too many occasions where my opponent has displayed gamesmanship that shows their true colours. A determination to win at any cost, and in doing so, only one thing happens. They devalue themselves in the process.
However you do need to spend time training your children into good habits when playing games or sport and to teach your child to:
follow rules and instructions
use self-control
handle their feelings
consider other people’s feelings
look for solutions, develop strategies for dealing with problems
These are hard skills to master, especially for children, and we all know adults who have yet to master them!
Sport or playing board games is an ideal forum to practice these skills, not to mention the opportunities for positive time with your children, which contributes to a positive relationship with them, improves their motivation to please and increases their self-esteem.
So here are my top tips for helping your children develop a healthy mindset when playing games:
1. Before the game starts ask your child what the rules are/ what they must do in detail.
2. Ask them what feelings they might have if they win or if they lose.
3. What might they feel like doing when they win/lose? What behaviour is required if they win or if they lose?
4. Empathise that they might prefer to skip this conversation and get on with the game.
5. During the game descriptively praise the behaviour you want to encourage – choose from: self-control, taking turns, stopping when a physical game gets too rough, not hurting physically or verbally, not complaining or storming off, kindness, consideration, tolerance especially re younger siblings, helpfulness, following instructions/rules and anything else that occurs to you.
6. Conspicuously model the desired behaviour (i.e. talk about what you’re doing) e.g. “Oh no I’ve picked up a bad card but I’m not going to make a fuss and I’m going to carry on playing the game. Maybe I’ll get good cards next time.” Or “Oops that wasn’t a good shot. I’m going to practice my goal shooting so I’ll get better at it.”
7. Acknowledge that it’s hard when the game isn’t going your child’s way or he’s not playing skilfully. (e.g. can’t get the ball in the basketball hoop). “It can be hard to keep going when it doesn’t come easily at first. It takes self discipline.” Acknowledge that your child wants to win, that it feels necessary to win in order to feel good about himself.
So whether it be on the sports field, or playing a board game, the core Parent Practice skills of descriptive praise and emotion coaching are key players in helping your child manage the emotions and become that fair friendly competitor who develops a healthy game playing mindset.
Interested in developing these skills? My Parenting Toolkit programme ( a self study course) gives you the secret formula to positive, firm and consistent parenting. It could just be the best investment you make for your family.