How do I talk to my child about the Russian War against Ukraine?

Sad boy worrying the Russian War Against Ukraine

As we grapple with the overwhelming and terrifying fact that Russia has declared war on Ukraine, it’s normal to be wondering what to share with your children and it’s with a heavy heart that I’m writing this blog post. I find it incomprehensible to think, as we finally limp back to some normality after a 2 year pandemic, the world is now plummeted into what some are saying could be a World War III. It’s normal for us as adults to feel overwhelmed with life just now, so do process your own emotions first, before dealing with your childs.

How and what you tell your children will be very age dependent, and whilst we try to shield our children from disturbing news like war and terrorism, they will inevitably learn about crises like the Russia-Ukraine war, whether it be in the family home or outside at school

Talking about war to children will vary a lot depending on the age of your children and their temperament, and your values. You don’t want to make them feel overly anxious, but at the same time, you want them to have empathy for those, including children, who will directly face the consequences of the war.

Age

If your children are under the age of 3 then hopefully they are unaware of what is going on. I would always try to make sure that this age group are not exposed to the adult content of news programmes and the pictures on the front of the newspapers.

If your children are aged between 3-7 ,then I wouldn’t raise it with them unless they ask questions and then try to do it without scaring them unnecessarily. Calmly explain that two nations are fighting over land many miles away from our home, and keep your explanations simple and age appropriate.

Calmly ask them what they know and don’t add to the list of horrific facts. If you can see that they are afraid, then admit that this is a shocking thing to be happening and that it’s natural to feel fearful and anxious about the state of the world. However you’ll have to find a balance, determined by your child’s nature, between not promising them they’ll always be completely safe, which is unrealistic, (think about the terrorist attacks we’ve had here in London), and making them jump at their own shadow or any noise.

We already face this balancing act already when we talk to our children about ‘stranger danger’. (Although we recommend you don’t use the word ‘stranger’ so that children don’t learn to fear everyone they don’t know) Teach them about ‘troubled people’ instead. You could try

“sometimes leaders get very angry and want to exert their control, so they do very terrible things and they hurt others. They forget to use their words to sort things out. That’s why it’s very important to learn to talk about problems and not hurt anyone.”

This is putting it into words that they can relate to.

If your children are 8 and above, the same theme can be used with them too, but they may be able to handle more information about what’s happening. Maybe explain that Ukraine was once a part of Russia and then it gained independence, but the bordering countries still have long-standing disputes over who owns and controls the land, among other issues. They may be seeing for themselves some of the details in the media. School aged children will probably be hearing it about it at school, so it’s good to discuss it with them.

Ask your children for their ideas

· why do you think Putin has declared war?

· what can the world leaders do about it?

· what can we do about it to show our support?

This is really important to prevent them feeling powerless, as despite the war being many thousands of miles away, the whole world is impacted. You may also start to have deeper conversations about death and destruction, and it’s important to listen and validate their opinions, and guide them about learning more about Russian politics from ethical news sources.

Temperament

Some of you will have kids who are seem oblivious to what’s been going on and you’re surprised to find that they knew about the war at all. Others may have been asking you questions endlessly and worrying about how it happened and being tremendously concerned as perhaps they have children in their school class with connections to the Ukraine or Russia.

This doesn’t mean that the first child doesn’t have any compassion or doesn’t care. But it is an indication of different temperaments. The more relaxed child may not be able to relate to something that is beyond their experience and understanding. The latter child is just more sensitive than the former. It’s not good or bad –it just is their different make up.

One may be a WORRIER and the other a WARRIOR. And so we need to adapt our approach for each temperament.

For the former you may try to raise awareness a little if it feels appropriate, whereas for the highly sensitive child you may be trying to temper it a little and to help them deal with their feelings. If you’ve got both in one family, you may have to help one understand the other.

It will help to name the feelings overwhelming your upset child. Don’t try to brush it under the carpet or your child will not be able to tell you about his worries in future.

“You are really upset, aren’t you?

“These events have really worried you.”

“You’re a person who feels things in a big way and sometimes that is lovely and sometimes it can be hard for you. I know you felt really sad and fearful for those families of the people who’ve been killed in this war. I’m glad you care. Sharing your worries makes them a bit easier to deal with.”

For the very sensitive child, it may help to use some kind of ritual, to acknowledge the lives of the people in the Ukraine who are currently in fear of their lives, who are escaping across borders and indeed those who already have died. Lighting a candle gives your child something practical to do.

If your child is very worried that something similar could happen here in the UK, don’t tell them

“There’s no need to worry”, or

“The war is very far away, and it’s not going to affect us”

“ You’re too young to worry about war. You need to concentrate on those exams instead!”

but acknowledge their worries and tell them about the steps being taken by governments across the world to help the Ukraine. Sometimes it can help for children to have a worry box. Get them to write their worries down on a piece of paper and screw the paper up into a tight ball and then put it into the box. Then put the box away somewhere (not in the child’s room) until the end of the week. At the end of the week unfold the worries and see that they have not come to pass. You can put them back in the box or throw them away, or light fire to them in the garden –whatever the child chooses.

Teen worrying about Russia/Ukraine war. Use a worry box. — Teen worrying about Russia/Ukraine war. Use a worry box

Values

This war of course is an atrocious act against humanity, but there is also an opportunity here for us to teach our children something about difference.

Here in the UK, Foreign Secretary Liz Truss, has just outlined in full the punishing new sanctions that will devastate Russia’s economy and target Vladimir Putin’s inner circle. More than 100 companies and oligarchs in the UK, at the heart of Putin’s regime have been hit with sanctions, freezing of assets and travel bans,

but that doesn’t mean all Russians are blameworthy.

Many Russians have families living in the Ukraine and this war is not something they condone.

Our children don’t need to be afraid of anyone who is Russian, but explain there is an inner circle in Russia, led by Putin, who are bullies, and rule using their power, as opposed to their influence.

Russia is not Putin

If you’re a Russian expatriate parent, you may be feeling anxious for yourself and for your children. You may be feeling fear, anger or even shame ,about what’s happening, as it’s dividing families and tarnishing you in the process. Families back in Russia may have limited access to worthy news channels and being brainwashed with propaganda. You may have started to experience prejudice. You may be clear what to say to your child about these events, but worrying about how to explain bigotry.

It's going to be difficult to explain to your child that others may judge and treat them unfairly because of their nationality.

So whatever our nationality, faith, colour, physical abilities, social standing or level of education we can teach our children to respect themselves and others, by how we interact with them and others. We can teach them not to fear difference or the unfamiliar by our modelling and by exposing them to different experiences and people.

This war will have far reaching consequences for us all globally, but maybe you can use this as an opportunity to talk to your children about compassion, kindness, and the need for inclusivity in the world.