Say it out loud
A thought occurred to me the other day as I stumbled across a video of a marriage proposal on Instagram (as you do). It involved a flash mob with singing and dancing, as onlookers filmed the scene with tears in their eyes (I confess I may have had a tear in my eye too – any Christmas advert can set me off). Lots of beautiful things were being said – and sung - about the woman who would imminently become a fiancée.
But why do we often wait until certain events to say lovely things to the people we care about?
A marriage proposal, Mother’s or Father’s Day, maybe a birthday and often a funeral – these are all times where we become very vocal about the things we love about our friends and family. About the traits we admire in them. About their behaviours that we value and appreciate.
But why wait? We shouldn’t need a particular event or designated day to share these thoughts with the people around us.
Many of us do of course say lovely things to the people very close to us but could we do it more? Could we do it in a way that means more? And could we do it with a broader circle of people – more friends, colleagues, and even people we meet in micro social interactions as we go about our lives?
I would suggest we can and we should. With everyone in our lives and especially when it comes to our children.
What’s in a typical day?
We often say lots of positive things to our children but think about the number of negative things children also hear. We and other adults around them at school and clubs etc might not intend them to be negative but if we think about how a typical day can go for our children, there can be a lot of reminding to do things. Nagging and repeating instructions. Asking why children haven’t done things they should. Potentially comparing children to their siblings or classmates who are doing things better than they are. Telling them to start doing things. To stop doing things. Or do them differently. Or do them more quickly. Or more slowly. Or more quietly.
It is understandable that the “negatives” are noticed – there are lots of reasons for this and there can be good intentions in pointing them out. But how does it leave a child feeling if we aren’t also letting them know all the positive things they do? What we value and appreciate in them?
Why it matters
Research on relationships tells us that there needs to be a ratio of five positive comments to one negative for a relationship to feel positive. And if we want our children to develop high self-esteem, they need us to notice and comment on all the positive things they are doing and all the positive things we see in them as individuals.
Self-esteem is a core belief in one’s own value, a realistic estimate of one’s strengths and weaknesses. It is crucial for so many areas of life - such as overall positive behaviour, elements of relationships, good mental health, persevering and being able to weather life’s knocks. Such is its importance, I have heard one relationship expert describe it in a way that I love - as our “protective shield”.
Self-esteem is built in various ways. One of these is by parents and carers showing acknowledgment, affirmation and approval of our children through specific and sincere praise about them as unique individuals. Children need to be accepted as unique individuals, appreciated for who they are and not who we’d like them to be or for what they achieve. And they need to hear this from us.
Using the magic of descriptive praise
This is where descriptive praise comes in – one of the key skills we teach at The Parent Practice. Descriptive praise is about:
Noticing all the positive things our children are doing and all the positive behaviours they are displaying through the day – what are they getting right (rather than “wrong”)
Shifting our focus to the process and the effort they are putting in, not just waiting to praise the final outcome or end result
Thinking about the quality their behaviour is showing – kindness, thoughtfulness, courage, determination, perseverance, creativity, imagination, maturity, honesty, tolerance, self control etc
Saying these things out loud to our children - frequently, throughout our time with them
It might sound like:
“I noticed you shared your ice cream with your brother when he dropped his. You didn’t have to do that. It was very generous of you.”
“You’ve been waiting for your turn in the game – it takes a lot of patience to do that.”
“I know you felt angry when your sister took the toy you were playing with but you didn’t grab it back. That shows a lot of self- control.”
“You’ve kept trying with those maths questions even though they’re not easy. You should feel very proud of yourself for persevering.”
“I really appreciate that you’ve called to let me know you are running late. That’s really considerate and now I won’t worry where you are.”
“Look at all the ways you have used beautiful colours and different textures in that picture – you’re incredibly creative.”
Traditionally we might simply expect the sharing of the ice cream so not comment on it. We might just expect a child to wait for their turn, so not acknowledge the patience involved when desperate to get past “Go!” on the Monopoly board and get that £200. Or we might focus on the fact our child is late, only give praise when all the maths questions are complete, or simply say “well done” when presented with a drawing.
“Well done” is still nice to hear but we are missing a trick if we don’t go deeper and get more detailed with the praise we are giving. Descriptive praise is how we can communicate to our children exactly what they have done well, the small details we have noticed, all the great qualities they are displaying and what we appreciate in them. This sort of praise feels very different – it means more. And from this, children can start to build up a picture of themselves in their heads – they know that they are kind, generous, patient, determined, creative and so on. It helps build their self-identity in knowing lots of the different aspects of the whole person that they are.
We’re also missing a trick if we don’t give praise until the end result. All of us spend far more time and effort in the process of getting to an end point, than at the finish line itself. So we need to recognise the value of the time our children spend in this zone as well, giving praise for the journey along the way.
And we need to acknowledge the effort and progress they are actually making in doing things we might just expect of them and think they just should be doing. There is really no “should” about it - resisting impulses and your brain’s hardwiring to get your own needs met when you are a child is not always easy!
Share the magic
There are many other benefits of using descriptive praise beyond building children’s self-esteem - in increasing connection between us and our children, increasing their motivation and cooperation doing the things we would like and need them to do, and in helping us feel more positive in family life.
There are also other elements you can add to descriptive praise to help children learn the intrinsic benefits of their behaviours.
But the place to start? Notice the good, the quality being displayed and why you value and appreciate it. And then say it out loud. A lot!
Start doing it with your children. And then give it a whirl with your partners, families, friends, colleagues and maybe even the barista in your regular coffee shop.
Obviously you’ll adjust the precise words and tone a bit(!) but the principles remain the same and descriptive praise helps build self-esteem and connection between adults as well!
So don’t wait until Valentine’s Day or another annual event. Don’t wait until the end of the project or when the report is complete. Don’t think the lovely thing about your friend but keep it in your head. And don’t underestimate the value of a spontaneous compliment to a stranger.
Notice the good and say it out loud.
If you have any questions about any of our courses or coaching, please do get in touch.
Email me at mary@theparentpractice.com or book a free Discovery Call with me to have a friendly chat about how we can work together to help support you and your family.