Quieting the parenting noise
An action-packed summer. A “low-key summer”. A “90s summer”. Sun, sea and sand. Kids camps. Park trips. Running errands with kids in tow.
A summer of juggling work, childcare and children asking for snacks whilst typing at your laptop. Realising passports have nearly expired and packing/unpacking/washing.
And with multiple heatwaves in the UK this year, suncream everywhere.
The summer holidays bring different experiences for everyone. They can be glorious and they can also be tough. Sometimes they don’t go as you expect. But increasingly it feels there is a lot of noise around it all.
The rise of summer pressure
Hopefully many of you will have had lovely summers so far, whether you have been on adventures to far flung places or stayed at home and had a chance to enjoy a slightly slower pace of life. But what I have been conscious of over the last few years, is the increasing commentary in the press and on social media of what summers “should” be like for us and our children.
Much of this is incredibly well intentioned – to encourage us to make the most of summers and appreciate the time we have with our children, rather than wishing it away and feeling frustrated at the tenth sibling argument of the morning (“You only have 18 summers with your children” now annually appears on Instagram). Or to reassure us if our summers haven’t been full of holiday destinations with white sand and turquoise sea and it has been more scrabble, screens and sandwiches than sun, sea and sand (the rise of talk around the return of a “90s summer” and a “low-key summer” has been notable).
However, I can’t help thinking that summers have now turned into another moment in the year when there is more pressure for parents in either direction. Are we doing enough? Are we making the most of the time? Have we locked in enough core memories? Have I allowed enough boredom to encourage their creativity to flow? Have I entertained them too much so they will never know how to entertain themselves? Should I have just let them go off on their own until sunset like people apparently did years ago? There is a lot of noise if you let it in.
Now, the irony is not lost on me that I am now writing about this myself and arguably creating more noise. Yet another opinion. More thoughts. Is that what anyone needs?!
But what I hope some parents will take from this is the opportunity to pause, breathe and bring it back to basics.
There is enough questioning of what we should be doing all year long – which school should we send our child to? Should they have tutoring? What should we do about homework – more/less/none? What should our rules be about screens? Should they have a phone? What should I be giving them to take in for the Christmas party/International Food Festival/fancy dress Ocean Day/the end of term play? Should they be doing another sport or music class or is it too much?
September and school will be here soon enough. So maybe we need a little break from thinking about what we “should” be doing.
Shed the shoulds
We talk at The Parent Practice about how it can help us hugely as parents – and in turn help our children - if we “shed the shoulds”. This is most often in the context of having realistic expectations of our children as unique individuals, rather than expecting that they should be behaving in any particular way at any given point, or in any given situation. We have to look at our children individually and different aspects of them before working out how we support them to make progress, achieve and behave in certain ways. We then set both us and our children up for success, rather than disappointment and frustration.
But I think it can also help us if we “shed the shoulds” around summers at this point. Perhaps we can quieten the noise for the last weeks of the holidays and simplify it for ourselves.
Summer simplicity
If this sounds appealing, I would encourage you to take the next week or two to reduce any thoughts of what you should be doing to make the most of the last days of summer, or what you should have done differently in the weeks that have already passed.
Regardless of exactly what your summer looks like, bring it back to basics and distil thoughts down to just one thing, the most important thing of all - connection with our children. Because in the end, that is what our children are likely to remember the most.
The connection I am talking about here isn’t about doing lots more or using particular parenting skills to support connection. There are lots of those and you can read more if you wish in other blog posts. But for some end of summer simplicity, I would just think about opportunities for easy moments of connection when they naturally arise.
The author, Toni Morrison, once said,
“When a child walks in the room, yours or anybody else’s child, does your face light up? That is what they’re looking for.”
She made the point that we are often looking to see whether they are dressed properly or similar and how we think that means our affection for them is on display because we are caring for them. But in fact, our children may see the critical face – what are we going to say is wrong? What are we going to remind them they haven’t done?
Instead, Morrison advised, “…let your face speak what’s in your heart”. Because even if we aren’t always delighted that they’ve come back for the third time still without their swimming stuff ready(!!), we want them to feel and remember our positive interactions.
Alternatively, it might be that we just make sure that our children know we’re truly with them in whatever time we have with them. Time might be limited if doing the work/childcare juggle but when there is a moment to read a book together, play a quick game of cards or even just walk to a local shop together, take the opportunity to really engage. Talk about things they’re interested in, ask them their thoughts and opinions, try to forget the pile of work that is calling you back so you can have a laugh.
Stop for 5 minutes in the park to throw a ball on the way home. Delay rushing back to your desk for 10 minutes if you can - sit in the garden after dinner and have a little chat.
Or if you are away, say yes to the request to go down the inflatable slide in the sea AGAIN. Take the long route back to the hotel to talk a little longer about the upcoming football season. Bring Barbie with you to dinner and put her in a new outfit together while waiting for your meal.
It doesn’t really matter what you are doing. It’s how children feel in these small moments that will make the biggest difference to them now and that they will remember most. As Maya Angelou said in her well-known quote,
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I know this to be true from my own experiences as a child. Having interesting conversations while walking with my Mum or Dad. Playing cricket in the garden until it was nearly dark. Chatting while cooking together, pretending to be a chef. Laughing while we were camping on a farm in Wales in the most incredible rainstorm, so our tent leaked and we had to sleep in the car. Cuddled up on the sofa watching A Question of Sport on TV.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what we were talking or laughing about in those moments but I very clearly remember how they made me feel. It’s the fact of having those moments together and the quality of them that I remember far more than the activities themselves.
The developmental psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner based much of his work on the foundational principle that trusting bonds with children are the most powerful force in their positive development. He said:
“Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her.”
So maybe just that can be the main thing to think about for the rest of the summer holidays (well, apart from the To Do List items around uniform, hair cuts and the like!). Don’t worry about exactly what you are doing, or what you have or haven’t done so far. Just think about letting your child simply and easily feel you are crazy about them.
Those are the summer memories that will stay with them the longest.
Mary xx
If you would like to explore more ways to simplify parenting, our Harmony at Home course kicks off again at the end of September. A six week live online course which provides a holistic approach to parenting and distils it down into a simple framework of key skills and strategies. Read more on our website.