Setting Up for Back to School Success: Part 1
I started primary school on my fifth birthday and middle school (as we had back then) on my tenth. Being a fairly classic Virgo, I think the potential disappointment of my birthdays falling on such days was cancelled out by the fact of a brand new pencil case filled with beautiful pens. And on my tenth birthday, with the great excitement of being allowed to decorate my exercise books in pretty wrapping paper and sticky back plastic (anyone else remember that?!).
However, I do I remember feeling a mix of lots of emotions which our own children may now be feeling before their first day starting - or going back to - school. Nerves, excitement, worry, confusion, happiness, reluctance. This is of course entirely normal, as is the fact that some children will feel incredibly unsettled and dysregulated by it all – particularly if they are neurodivergent and find change and transitions especially challenging.
As parents, it is easy for us to focus mainly on the obvious going back to school tasks – buying the new uniform, shoes and stationary. Getting the haircuts and school bags. And doing the joyous task of labelling absolutely everything…
Those are obviously important and they contribute to our children feeling ready to step into a new school year. Yet the most important thing is to prepare our children by helping them feel secure about what is ahead, supporting them with their emotions and building their confidence and independence. These elements set our children up for success as they start “big school”, begin a new school year and as they move through their school lives.
So this is quite a long blog – there’s lots we can do! But hopefully the details below can help support you and your children.
What you can do
Whether your child is starting back at school in the next couple of weeks or starting Reception later in September, there is still time to make a big difference to how smoothly and positively it goes for our children - and us!
The approaches below can also be used over the first weeks and months of school as children settle in. Examples are included below for both younger and older children.
You will know what your child’s skills are like and which areas you need to focus on the most. However, do just bear in mind that sometimes children surprise us. Even a child who is generally confident in new situations might have a wobble starting a new school or a few weeks in. A child might be very familiar with a school from taking an older sibling and may love the idea of joining them at “big school” but might find it harder once the time comes. Or secondary school might bring up more for a child than we expect when they have been super confident in Year 6. If that’s the case, you can come back to the actions below to help support as needed.
Action Plan
1. Create familiarity and predictability
Letting children know what is going to happen – and when, where and how - can make a huge difference to how they cope with new situations, whether that is a completely new school or a new school year with different routines, subjects, teachers and the like. Feeling familiar with things and knowing what to expect can significantly reduce anxiety and increase confidence for children starting something new. Consider doing the following:
All ages
School visits: do the walk/journey to school and then point out and talk through the areas that are going to be most relevant or potentially tricky for your child, e.g. classroom/moving between classrooms or different buildings, playground, dinner hall, where coats and bags are stored, toilets and taps/drinking fountains. Doing this more than once can be very helpful for young children or if children are very worried about any particular aspect of school.
Videos/photos/school information: go through any information provided by school a few times. Look at details of key adults. Have a look at the school website or Instagram page to see more photos and get a feel for what goes on at school. You can do this with your child if they are younger or let older children do it independently as appropriate.
Make it visual: all the options below will help children feel familiarity with school details and also have a sense of ownership and involvement around what is ahead for them.
Create weekly/daily schedules you can stick on the wall. These can include school timetables and activities but also might include after school details – any clubs requiring other kit, details of childcare or who is collecting on particular days for younger children, or when older children will need to remember their door keys because no parent will be at home.
Create task checklists if children are becoming more independent (at any age) but struggling to remember everything they need to do! Have task lists in written or picture form for evening and morning – stuck on the wall or on a little whiteboard so they can tick tasks off as they’re done.
Clothing & equipment: let children practice getting clothes on, using new equipment and getting their bags ready so there are no surprises on the first day. Check if there are any issues to do with how comfortable they find clothes and adjust where possible – children who are uncomfortable will find it harder to concentrate in the classroom and learn. They will also likely resist or avoid getting dressed before you even get to school!
Where you can, give them choice and control (e.g. are they going to eat breakfast and then get dressed or the other way round?) and for younger children, make it fun in simple and easy ways (e.g. as one client’s child did, lay out their clothes on the floor the night before in the shape of a human!).
Keep talking! Help everything to do with school become familiar and normalised by talking about it as you go about daily life. Conversations on how all other children will be new too; who will be collecting them; what they can do and who they can speak to if they are worried if something goes wrong while they’re at school; what it was like for you at school – how you felt and where things worked out with positively with friendships, school subjects and teachers.
For Reception/younger children you can also:
Help them create their own “My School Story”. You can of course free style and let them get creative - do drawings or print out pictures from the school website or use generic school images to do with the different parts of their day. Or consider buying a workbook where your child can personalise it with their details (example here).
Read books: for Reception children, read books about starting school together. There are lots available but do get in touch if you need any recommendations.
2. Help with feelings
Whether starting in Reception, transferring to a new school or beginning their Secondary years, children may have worries about changes and new challenges:
They may be worried about whether other children or teachers will like them, whether they will know what to do or where to go, or whether they’ll be able to do what is asked of them.
They may dislike parts of the environment – the toilets or noisy and confusing lunchtimes – or get very tired with longer or more challenging days, including from coping with the unfamiliar.
And they will inevitably experience set-backs and disappointments at some point.
As a result, we may start to see more of certain behaviours, new ones or ones we thought they’d grown out of depending on age - being upset, sulky, explosive, aggressive, uncooperative or withdrawn. They might want to be closer to you or for you to do things they are capable of. They might start nail biting or revert to thumb sucking, or complain of physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches.
How we respond to these behaviours and the underlying emotions will make a huge difference to how our children behave and cope going forward.
It might feel natural to say things like:
“Chloe, don’t be silly, it will be fine. There’s nothing to worry about. You’ll love it when you get there and have loads of friends before you know it.”
Or
“Daniel, we’ve discussed this before. You just need to take a big breath and think of something nice. Honestly, you’ll have to deal with far worse. You can’t get upset about every little thing.”
But the problem here is that, unintentionally, we effectively dismiss our children’s feelings and it can feel to them like they are not being heard and that their feelings are wrong. We then miss the opportunity to help our children move through their feelings, change behaviour and help them develop their own emotional skills such as empathy which they’ll need to thrive at school when developing friendships.
So what is the alternative? Emotion Coaching. This is where we listen and validate our children’s emotions, helping them to identify feelings and accept them, whilst also re-directing or limiting some behaviours if needed.
When we do this, it doesn’t mean we agree with what our child is thinking or do what they want (like let them stay at home if they don’t want to go to school!) but we lower resistance by showing we understand and free up space in their brain to look for solutions.
If a child says how they feel: they might tell you “I don’t like school”.
You might be tempted to respond with “Of course you like school – it’s great fun” or “Well you have to go because you’re a big girl now” or “If you go nicely, you can have biscuits/chocolate/more screen time later”.
Instead try: “There are probably a lot of things that are quite worrying and confusing right now since this is so new for you. You probably aren’t quite sure about a lot of things when you knew how everything worked at pre-school/primary school. Maybe you wish you were back there?”. Then listen and see what they say.
Or with other issues that may come up, try:
“Maybe you felt a bit jealous that Emma got the certificate”
“Perhaps you felt embarrassed when Jake said he didn’t like your shoes”
“It sounds like you felt left out when the others went off to play without you”
“Maybe it feels like people are telling you what to do all day and you wish you could be the one to say what happens”
If a child shows you something is amiss through their behaviour:
You might be tempted to tell them off but this won’t be effective as it isn’t addressing the emotions at the root of their behaviour.
Instead make a guess at what might be going on for them. It doesn’t matter if you guess incorrectly – the point is that you’re showing you’re trying to understand. You are demonstrating that you are trying to see life from their point of view and building your connection with them by showing that you value their thoughts, feelings and opinions. You can say things like:
“It looks/sounds like you’re feeling very unsettled – I wonder if that’s about going to school. Maybe you’re worrying about what it will be like in the playground/classroom/with having to make new friends. I wonder if we could watch that video your teacher sent through and find out what it’s going to look like/I wonder if it would help for us to have a chat about how to make new friends?”
“Maybe you wish you didn’t have to go back to school – that you could stay at home all the time. It’s been a lovely long summer holiday and it can be hard to think about school and homework after that.”
“I can tell you’re finding something quite tough with the way you are talking to me. I wonder if it’s to do with school – I know you find the dining hall and playground quite overwhelming with all the smells, noise and busyness.”
“I think sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming when there are many new things to get used to. Daddy felt like that when he started his new job.”
“You seem sad/cross/frustrated…”
Once children feel that you understand and are calmer after you have been an emotion coach, that’s when you can move to problem solving mode by:
Looking for the positives: remind them of other instances when they have shown the skills they will need – e.g. bravery and perseverance - fell off their scooter and got right back on, worked out how to do coding by themselves, swam deeper in the sea than they have ever done before.
Make a plan: talk through what they can do if x happens. Who should they speak to, where can they go and what you can do to help as well when they tell you after school.
Normalise their feelings: Remind them that you also experience similar feelings with going back to work after a lovely holiday, starting a new job or doing a big presentation. Use examples of what you do to manage the feelings and chat about what they can do.
Separation anxiety is an area that can require various approaches (get in touch if you’d like any specific support on this). But when we know our child is experiencing it through their words and actions, we can again use emotion coaching to help. Instead of saying something like “You loved school yesterday. You said you had loads of fun. I know you’ll love it when you get inside.”, try saying something like:
“I can see you’re finding it so hard to say goodbye to me today. It is really tough to get used to being at school for a longer day isn’t it? I know. It’s ok to feel like that. And I know that we have a plan for these hard days (refer to visual timetable about the day, remind which trusted adults he can go to if missing you and when you’ll be back for a big cuddle) and I know how brave you are because I’ve seen you be brave so many times when we’ve said goodbye at gymnastics and at Leila’s party.”
Many young children also like to have something that makes them feel connected to parents while apart. They might be able to take a small object with them to keep in their pocket that they can hold to feel close to you even if apart. You can draw a little heart or smiley face on each other’s arms which they can look at to feel close to you or press as a “magic button” to “connect” to you. Or they can pull on an invisible string to feel connected to you as in the lovely book “The Invisible String” linked here. There is also a workbook which complements it.
3. Build confidence and independence
There are two very easy and effective ways we can help our children in these areas at home – encouraging them to be self-reliant and through giving them Descriptive Praise.
Encourage self-reliance
The purpose of this is that competence breeds confidence. Doing lots for our children can feel a loving thing to do (and it can often be quicker and neater!). But research tells us that we actually set our children up for long term success when we get our children to do chores. They learn that they can get things done and understand they can take responsibility and make progress. As Benjamin Franklin once said:
“Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn…”
Whatever their age, if our children learn that they can do things for themselves out of school, it helps give them confidence that they can do the same when challenges arise at school. This isn’t only practical things but in areas where they will experience key social and emotional demands. So:
Give general chores around the house – teach them how to do them as needed. Give them the opportunity to gain evidence that they can do all sorts of things on their own!
Get them to do as many/much of their own tasks as they are capable of – whether it’s getting dressed alone for younger children or organising their own belongings when older.
Give them the opportunity to practice skills they will use at school – practical skills like using scissors or laptops and social and emotional skills like sharing, taking turns, impulse control and delayed gratification.
Do advance problem solving with them – go through with them what they can do if things go wrong at school, if they are worried or need help. Let them know who they can talk to – which trusted adults? How and when – put their hand up, go to see them at the start/end of break/lunchtime or after school for older children. What to say – sometimes children need help with the exact words to use to get started. They might be very used to sharing their worries or asking questions with you but it can be a whole different ball game when it’s with unfamiliar adults or they have to self-advocate in a way they haven’t before. This might be asking where the toilets are with young children or asking for more help with a difficult GSCE subject when older. Having a idea of what to do in advance can hugely help children feel less worried and more confident, comfortable and safe in the school environment. Role plays and “chat throughs” can be used to great effect for this.
Use role plays & chat throughs to problem solve
For young children who enjoy role play, you can do this in character yourselves or use toys as noted above. Your child can play the teacher and you play your child - to model how to approach their teacher and the sort of thing they could say. Or you can get the cuddly toys/dolls/Lego figures out and “play schools” with toys as the teachers and students. Walk toys through the school day to help your child get used to the routine they’ll be following.
While doing this, you can talk out loud about the sort of things your child might be thinking and feeling and how to solve problems or self-advocate, e.g. “I am not sure where the toilets are. I know they told me but I’ve forgotten. What shall I do? I know, I’ll ask my teacher. They won’t mind me asking again – they know we have a LOT to remember when we start a new school/year!”.
For older children, role play can still be helpful but obviously in a different way – think of role plays at a corporate away day rather than toys on the living room floor! Take on different roles and act how a situation may play out. This can be particularly helpful in relation to helping them become more independent when they might need to self-advocate if they aren’t sure how to complete an assignment, if there is a friendship issue at school or they are late handing in homework!
Alternatively, just chat through the possible scenarios and brainstorm together. First get your child’s ideas about what they might do and then offer support and alternative approaches as needed until they have a plan they are comfortable with.
With children of all ages, reassure them that teachers and other school staff are used to hearing all the sorts of things they might need to ask or talk to them about and that they are there to help them.
Give lots of Descriptive Praise
Descriptive Praise tells children exactly what they are doing well and what characteristic, quality or skill they have displayed. This helps build their self-esteem and confidence as they build up a picture of the person they are. It encourages them to keep going with tasks they are finding difficult and (helpfully for us!) also kick starts a positive cycle by encouraging more of the same behaviour, because children know exactly what they can repeat when something went well.
It is great to give lots of Descriptive Praise generally with your children – helping them feel good about themselves is one of the foundational building blocks we want in place for success at school.
But on top of that, you might like to think about the qualities and skills you would like to develop in your children to help them thrive at school, whether that’s in the classroom or with playing and friendships. You can then make sure you notice them and give Descriptive Praise to your children when you spot them displaying those qualities, along with occasions where they show effort and progress with self-reliance, independence and self-advocating as mentioned above.
Skills/qualities for success at school might include waiting, taking turns (with games or speaking), sharing, concentrating, listening, persevering, remembering what to do, creativity, problem solving, kindness or bravery.
It can sound like:
“I could see you felt nervous this morning but you were really brave and left me at the school gate saying goodbye, just as we had practised.”
“When you couldn’t do up your shoe laces just now, I noticed you kept trying until they were done. That shows real resilience and perseverance.”
“It’s really mature and sensible of you to get your school bag and PE kit ready each night to avoid a rush in the morning. I’m impressed with how you’ve done it the last two nights. You’re getting into such good habits and being so responsible.”
“I love how you’ve worked out how to finish that Lego plane. That wasn’t at all easy with that section that kept falling off but you figured it out. Great problem solving.”
“I saw how you just went and asked how to book a tennis court yourself. You’re getting so good at knowing how to ask for help all by yourself.”
Good luck with the year ahead!
There is quite a lot noted above but preparation can make such a huge difference with starting a new school or a new academic year. The time and effort spent on setting a child up for success with school can reap huge dividends in both the short and long term and save an awful lot of time and effort further down the road. But don’t worry if you don’t have time to do everything – not all children will need all elements and if they do, you can do what you can and then keep working with your children as the year progresses.
If your child is neurodivergent or you think they might be, you can also read Part 2 of this blog.
I hope all school starts and returns go as well as possible in the coming weeks – good luck!
Mary xx
If you would like more details on any of the areas above, explore our options:
Our range of e-books which elaborate on many of the skills mentioned above. Just email us at admin@theparentpractice.com if you would like any guidance on which might be most helpful.
1:1 coaching if you would like to dive into any of the themes above in more detail in a more bespoke way for your child.
Our Harmony at Home course if you would like to explore a full range of skills which can simplify parenting and equip you to address challenges in all areas of our children’s lives. Courses start again at the end of September and start of October. A six week live online course which provides a holistic approach to parenting and distils it down into a simple framework of key skills and strategies. Read more on our website.